HoneyChild of Mind

Feeling my power

2012-02-07T21:43:00.006+02:00

I noted in my work journal yesterday that I have been feeling powerful on the career front. I am loving my clients, and the kind of work I am doing; I feel that my earning potential just keeps growing, and I have a good year of billings forecast that will easily cover my maternity leave period and start building savings into my business; I feel authoritative, confident in my convictions and recommendations and well worth my fee to my clients - I am starting to show them the value of strategic PR, rather than just being a workhorse. New business leads are flowing in easily, and my existing clients are happy.

Over and above all of that, while my cash flow is dodgy right this minute, my tax situation and general health on the financial side is strong and my accountant is nothing short of delighted with me as my first year as a business owner comes to a close. I have re-implemented our household expense budget as well, and have committed to managing it which I think will add real value to our marriage and home life. So I am on a roll with money and work, and am truly feeling my power at this stage of my career. I'm suddenly over that 'imposter' phase that I had a year or two ago and know now that I really have what it takes to have a highly successful business and brand for myself.

What marks the powerful feeling for me though is also the notion of love - just loving what I do and who I work for, loving my lifestyle and freedom as a business owner, loving my vibe and pushing it out generously to those I love. My good career energy has rubbed off in different ways on F, K, J and M during their respective job searches in recent weeks - it feels like I am tapping into the source somehow.

As part of my regular work journalling process I always choose an online angel card and ask for a word from my guides. Sounds weird but I like to add a more intuitive element to a major part of my life which by nature runs the risk of getting a bit 'earthly' and focused on the daily grind a lot of the time. I couldn't believe the messages I received yesterday during my work journal check-in: "The angel of love is with you now" - and his name? Chamuel, or Samuel... Of course! The word that was given was "Miracles" - reinforcing the idea that my pregnancy is part of the greater picture here that is making my positive work energy flow so easily. Cried with recognition and joy at these messages, and felt so affirmed in my brave choice last year to structure my career around family. I can have it all...

On a side note, it also occurred to me that maybe my current sense of confidence on the business side of things stems partially from the extra male hormones circulating in my system at the moment - and this is such a cool trimester of pregnancy, in which I have felt strong and resilient generally. Something to remember and try to maintain in my life - a balancing and harnessing of the healthy masculine energy in me can only be positive. And powerful.

HoneyChild

UPDATE:

Ten minutes after posting the above, I came across this thought:

"You cannot exercise much power without gratitude because it is gratitude that keeps you connected with power."

I give thanks - thanks for all I am receiving and achieving. I know that I am immensely blessed.

HoneyChild

February check in

2012-02-01T12:37:00.002+02:00

Mommy hormones are on the increase! I'm finding I'm so connected to kids in general and particularly to my little one, who I felt kicking for the first time this morning. At 21 weeks, he is right on schedule, as he has been in all other areas of his development. I am so thankful for this. Fainted in Woolworths the other day (due to low blood pressure or low blood sugar or the very hot day?) and that was a wake up call in terms of really remembering to take care of my health and go easy on my body for the next four months of pregnancy. I'm 2-2.5 kilos up in weight (net) and am growing a nice bump now. Feels good! Wish I could do a little more exercise without feeling wobbly, but ok for now.

Business-wise new prospects are shaping up nicely and I'm doing good work for my clients - I've had some very nice feedback from them recently. Just need to maintain momentum, not get overwhelmed, and make sure I bill well into May, with some new retainers set up to kick off from September after my maternity break.

I'm worried about R's work pressures and health issues at the moment. He's been in a world of pain following a botched root canal and subsequent tooth extraction, and his back story remains the same. While we're both working hard, he's really burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all his clients happy. I know and appreciate that he's doing this for our family's benefit, but need to find a way to support him meaningfully. I'm incredibly horny at the moment (all the boy hormones floating around in my system?!) but sex is back off track unfortunately. I am trying not to put pressure on him. So hard though, and I know he's stressing about it too. Maybe a weekend away for an early Valentine's treat will balance things out a bit...

Financially I'm feeling the pinch a little but am confident I can increase my salary from March and need to be ok with slow cash flow sometimes - always a downside of owning your own business.

Friendships are feeling good across the board. I had time to connect again with F and J during their overlapping visits last month. The possibility of them both relocating home to SA and specifically CT makes me very happy. It will be wonderful to have J nearby as a close friend who's also a mom. It may make my transition into motherhood that much easier from a social point of view, and also because she'll be happy to give me honest, non-judgmental advice. N and other J remain close and I am relieved that N seems to be surfacing from the hellish depths she's experienced emotionally and spiritually since her incident in India in 2010. I am tremendously lucky to have these strong, smart women in my life and I feel that the decision to wait it out in CT until all my friends started drifting back here has been justified!
On the F note, I do need to make sure I don't get too sucked in to the need to fix her - she must live her life and fight her own battles when she gets back from Aus. I am not prepared to spiral down into her story as I have in the past.

I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhard Tolle - some great spiritual food for thought which I have enjoyed getting my teeth into. Hope this sets the tone for my development and growth on this front for the rest of the year...

HoneyChild

Thoughts for the new year

2012-01-03T15:55:00.004+02:00

We returned home last night after two fantastic weeks away for Christmas with my family at the farm, and New Year with friends.

I feel deeply happy and at peace as I enter 2012. If I consider the changes I was going through from a career planning perspective this time last year, I am relieved to have that turmoil behind me, and immensely proud of myself to have taken control of my own destiny on the work front.

I am rested and revived, which was badly needed by early December, if my last entry was anything to go by.

The highlight of my break was probably being around my parents, who are looking more content and relaxed together than I can ever remember. I thank God for their reunion after what was a four month period of hell for them (and their children) last year. For the first time in my adult life, there were no major blow ups between them over Christmas, and the house was largely peaceful, light and happy. I loved being there and will spend more time with them at home this year, I am certain.

With a grandchild on the way, my folks have reconciled just in time and are genuinely looking forward to this new chapter of their life together. I feel truly blessed to be able to raise our child(ren) with access to that loving home and wonderful farming environment, and really pray that my parents continue to hold things together to enable us to spend frequent holidays with them.

I am coping well with my pregnancy, and enjoying my heightened sexuality in particular at the moment. Weight gain has been slow, and I am confident that I can keep it down to a comfortable level throughout the rest of the second trimester and even into the third. The second trimester is also proving to be less draining than the first, and I enjoyed doing some walking on most days of my holiday, soaking up the sun a little and being outdoors in nature and with our dogs. These are really important to my well-being, I was reminded, and I look forward to spending more time on the farm next year from this point of view as well.

On a new year's resolution note, my one recorded intention from last year was to ensure that my life looked healthier, cleaner and more wholesome on film. Glancing back at photos from 2011, I think I have achieved my goal. Being on an alcohol hiatus over silly season has no doubt helped that too...

I was also keen to reconnect with old friends last year - and I feel I have done that to an extent, not least by attending my school reunion in the UK. I have strengthened existing close friendships across the board over the last 12 months too, so I am pleased about that and I would like to continue to maintain and deepen those important relationships this year. Making time for friends when a baby comes along will certainly be a challenge, but I know it is a critical aspect of my life balance.

For 2012, I resolve the following:

1. I will ensure that my pregnancy is a healthy one, for baby first and foremost, and also for me. This means eating well and consciously, taking the right supplements, exercising gently and enough, putting on the minimum required in terms of acceptable weight gain without being obsessive, while keeping stress levels low and awareness levels high. I will also keep my alcohol consumption down after giving birth - this has been key to how clear headed and healthy I feel at the moment.

2. With my 30th birthday in June, I resolve to get back into shape quickly to ensure that I feel great in my body during this milestone year. My goal will be to take four months to get back to my ideal and maintainable weight and fitness levels (60kg, running 5km with ease) - so that by the time I am a bridesmaid on 6 October, and with the summer approaching, I will be looking and feeling as close to my best again as possible. Achieving this will be linked inextricably to the points I make in resolution 1 - these will prepare me for an easier recovery after birth.

3. As my business is now ticking along nicely, the aim for 2012 will be to maintain and steadily grow, while allowing enough time and a financial cushion to enjoy my later pregnacy and newborn baby. I will refine my client base and up my billings this year. I will also continue my industry education through webinars, courses and networking functions.

Phew - a marathon entry. But 2012 is shaping up brilliantly on all fronts - health, prosperity, career, marriage, friendships, family and opportunities. I give immense thanks for all of this!

HoneyChild

Ready to wind down

2011-12-05T13:04:00.005+02:00

I am battling to find the motivation to get through my work at the moment, and have a lot to take care of before next weekend (Friday the 16th is a public holiday), when most of my clients will be shutting down for Christmas. I've had a real dip in energy in the last week, with low blood pressure and feeling a bit anaemic. Think it's a pregnancy, second trimester thing, but I haven't been on top form.

I actually think I need a holiday. In some ways, while this year has been less stressful and given me more free time, it's also been very tiring. My career change has taken its toll on me whether I notice it or not day-to-day. And I am adapting to the idea of being a mother, not to mention the physical strain of pregnancy. R has been incredibly busy at work as well, which is a good thing, but he is exhausted. He is overseas for nearly two weeks at the moment, and he is going to be finished when he comes back.

I am looking forward to a break and hope to start the new year with a burst of renewed energy as I hit what is touted as the 'easier' part of my pregnancy, which I am excited about. We are ecstatic that baby is growing healthily, and that we are going to be having a boy. Confirmation of the sex last week really validated my instincts about little bean, who has 'felt' like a boy since day one.

Definite signs of a baby bump, although my weight is holding steady around the 60.5-61 kg mark. Starting to let go of the body change issues, which feels good. I am excited to be a mom!

HoneyChild

Food and entertainment

2011-11-21T14:31:00.005+02:00

We enjoyed R's 40th birthday party - I feel I organised it well and was glad it was a success. I was complimented on every aspect of the organisation of the event, and also on my speech, which everyone seemed to love, and my confidence in speaking in public. I think I surprised several people, who do not know that side of me. It felt good to be acknowledged.

I've really enjoyed having R's family here visiting us - his mom and sister are still staying at our house, and his dad was here until the weekend. I think I am good at making people feel welcome and at ease, and as I get older and, I suppose, more established as a wife, I am better at the food/catering side of things as well. It is interesting to me to realise how much I have picked up via osmosis from my own mother when it comes to providing good food for people. I am glad to have had that exposure in my life, even though it was boring to me when I was younger. I am gaining confidence in the kitchen and with my cooking, and am increasingly finding that people actually like eating my food.

On a food note, I am trying to make peace with my changing appetite and gradually more "pregnant" shape. It is a natural, healthy and beautiful part of being a mother and I am not ballooning at a noticeable rate, even though it sometimes feels that way. I've put on about a kilo in the first 11 weeks of pregnancy - and set off against the 1.5-2kg I lost last month, I have actually not gained any weight during the first trimester yet. So I'm doing ok and not looking bad. Far less tired these days too - I'm relieved to have more energy as I've got a lot on the go.

Honey Child

First trimester concerns

2011-11-07T13:22:00.003+02:00

I've been busy over the last week, including the weekend, trying to juggle a lot of client work, learning for Wednesday's exam, planning R's birthday party this weekend and preparing for the arrival of both of our families. We've also had quite a lot of social engagements thrown in, and with three of my close friends needing extra attention for various reasons at the moment, there's plenty on the go.

Ordinarily I think I would be taking most of that in my stride, but I've been feeling so pap and lethargic during the first trimester that I am battling a bit. I've put off my second exam (which I was supposed to write on Friday in the middle of the family's arrival) until January, which has helped to make it all seem a bit more manageable. But I'm fighting hard not to feel overwhelmed.

I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and find some time for exercise as well, because as hard as it is to motivate myself it really does make me look at things differently when I get some fresh air and the heart pumping as often as possible.

Honestly I am also feeling a bit down about my body starting to change shape. I have not gained weight yet but my tummy is definitely rounder and my waist thicker now that i'm into week ten. While the untrained eye wouldn't notice, I can feel the difference and I am not feeling very sexy. Maybe it will change when I actually have a proper bump, rather than just looking bloated?! I know I should be embracing this as a beautiful and natural part of pregnancy. But it's hard, and it's also not something I can share with anyone else without sounding terribly superficial and vain, with all my priorities out of whack. I have set myself healthy but low weight gain targets throughout the nine months, which I really hope I can stick to. It's tempting to get very competitive with other 'hot' moms, and I need to watch that.

It just occurred to me that maybe a little depression is part of the hormonal shift of pregnancy. Will look into that. I hope that the second trimester, with the return of energy I am expecting and wishing for, also brings some more positive feelings for me.

HoneyChild

New structure for November

2011-10-31T21:20:00.004+02:00

I'm looking forward to a new month starting tomorrow. I feel it will mark the end of a rather tired, listless and unproductive October. I have to remember to be gentle with myself, and to cut myself a bit of slack during the first trimester. But honestly I'm sick of waking up and being dead to the world in the morning, slobbing around in my pyjamas until late, not eating properly and exercising too little.

I need to crank it from tomorrow with client work and law studies - I've got two papers coming up next week and I have hardly done a thing. I also need to do some new business proposals and ensure I have business lined up for December into February. So I'm going to need to inject some energy boosting habits into my daily regimen.

I've been reading some inspirational health and fitness blogs over the last week, and I feel motivated to get going with a good eating regime, a low impact exercise routine and trying to cut back a little on my sleeping hours. I believe that the 10 hours on average that I am sleeping a night is actually making me more lethargic than a normal 8 hours, and I need to remind myself that I can easily have a rest at midday if I need one.

So, tomorrow morning I aim to be up before 7, try to gulp down a little fruit if I can stomach it, a cup of coffee and water, then get walking for 20 minutes and do some lunges, squats, pushups and ab work before hitting the shower. I want to be at my desk by 8am, crank out a press release by 9am, sort out my emails and hit the phones for a while, and start on a campaign plan before lunch. Between 12-1pm I'll rest if necessary, then will do a little early afternoon study session for an hour, finish my campaign plan and break by 5pm. Study again from 5:30-7:30pm, grab some supper then enjoy a late movie. Aim to be asleep by midnight, then up and at 'em again by 8am on Wednesday.

I know I can do this - just need some more structure in November.

HoneyChild

Feeling a bit flat

2011-10-26T13:48:00.003+02:00

Phew - I'm feeling very pregnant this week. So tired in the mornings, I struggle to function before I've had a cup of coffee. My gynae has said 2 cups a day are ok, thank goodness. My breasts seem to be growing every day, and they really are big now. I'm not able to run comfortably due to their size, so walking is the way forward for me when I can muster the energy. A little bit of exercise most days of the week is a must, I'm finding.

I haven't had to struggle with vomiting (apart from once last Friday), but I am realising that I do have what they call morning sickness. It's not rampant nausea but I am definitely not enjoying the thought of food and don't have a taste for anything really. I can manage very bland stuff like toast, smooth yoghurt, cottage cheese, plain mozzarella, tomato, apples - but almost everything is a little off-putting right now, especially rich, fatty food, red meat and certain textures like chunky vegetables or soft fruit.

Apart from my expanding bust, I am actually not gaining weight or showing any remote signs of a bump. If anything, the fact that I've cut out alcohol and am perhaps consuming less (or less fatty things) has led to some weight loss - around 1.5kg since I fell pregnant, I estimate - with my weight not hovering much above 60.5kg on the scales regardless of what I eat. My tummy is pretty flat, although my waist seems to be changing shape somehow. But everything else is the same or smaller. The gynae was not phased about gain or loss at my first appointment, but I suppose eventually it will happen naturally. Hoping to keep my pregnancy weight down to a comfortable level and not gain more than about 10-11kg if possible, but we'll see how that goes.

My body is clever and is giving me good signals that all is well, so I will continue to trust and honour those.

HoneyChild

Week 6

2011-10-09T09:14:00.006+02:00

Apart from the Springboks' exit from the 2011 Rugby World Cup half an hour ago (bleak), the last week has been nothing but happy. R was beyond ecstatic when he found out on Tuesday - I left the test wrapped in a bow on his side of the bed with a rose and a baby book.

Baby vibes are good - feeling fine as I enter my sixth week, and although I know I may start getting morning sickness at this stage, I have a feeling it will be ok. No signs of nausea yet. Feeling occasional cramps and a little fatigue and teariness here and there but all totally manageable. My breasts are a bit sensitive and slightly larger too. I do have immense faith in my body. My newly 'natural' cycle was so regular within 3 months of coming off the pill, that a pregnancy test was viable as soon as I was one day later than expected. So clever! I did however take another test on Friday just to make sure - still positive :-) I know conception was on 17 September around ovulation, which I'd tracked. I felt the fertilisation as it happened (didn't know that could happen), and we both knew it but didn't want to be over hopeful, given the disappointment of last month. But there was no denying that something was very different that day, and I was visibly overwhelmed with emotions.

We were given our first babygrow by F as she left us to return to Sydney yesterday, and it is sooo cute! It was fun to have her with us - I really miss her and hope she comes back to SA soon. It was incredibly special to share the baby news and excitement with someone who cares so much, and in return it was nice to help her through her heartache and gently support her as she gets back on her feet. Friendship and caring are easy for me and I'm glad to have those qualities. But it also feels good to have that energy returned by all my close friends, who are so happy to hear of my pregnancy. This news has made me realise what a good base of girl friends I actually do have - both old and new - F, N, J, J, M and my former colleagues, who we had a lovely dinner with last night. I have a strong support system, over and above my family and in-laws, and I'm grateful for that. R is also being sweet and concerned. He will be a wonderful dad...and sex seems to be back on track with him on a health kick, so that's fun :-)

Beautiful weather signals the start of summer and I'm feeling sunny. Quite slim and trim at around 61kg and enjoying not drinking as of this week, surprisingly. I think it will suit me better than I thought. Sis has sent me her dietician's chart of how much weight I should gain over the full term - only about 1.5 kg during first trimester, then just under half a kilo for every week thereafter for a total of 11kg. I think that's fine for me - I am tall enough to carry the extra and should lose quite a substantial percentage of that straight after birth. So if I end up at say, 66-67kg that's not too scary. I've been there before and know how to get back to comfortable happy weight without stressing about it.

Dreaming of having a little soul waking me up every morning to love.

HoneyChild

Oh Baby

2011-10-04T14:24:00.002+02:00

It seems I'm pregnant!!! I took a test a little earlier and the result was resoundingly positive. Felt quite teary, then happy, then a bit scared, then called my mom and told her and she is over the moon. Thinking of the best way to tell R when he gets home later - he is going to be ecstatic!

I am pleased with the timing. Really, really pleased. I am in a great situation work-wise, am healthy and ready. I got terribly broody standing in the queue at Woolworths this morning, watching all the moms with their sweet kids. So here's hoping all carries on smoothly. Feeling a bit different, with a slightly crampy tummy, but overall fine - and excited!

HoneyChild

End of September

2011-09-29T17:22:00.003+02:00

With September drawing to a close I can look back at the month with some satisfaction. I've definitely had wobbles and worries about work prospects, with not a lot of client action this month. But it's the first time in seven months since starting my company that I've had that concern, and this week I've uncovered opportunities with three or four new clients from October. So feeling in better spirits about that.

I'm going to try not to make this a blog about work though - I have a separate journal for that. But when you work for yourself, it's particularly hard to compartmentalise success in that area as a distinct entity from your general state of being. That reminds me of a channelling I had a few months ago. The message was to try to integrate all aspects of myself, not to categorise and box too much. Because when you are fully 'integrated', you can experience your deepest joy and satisfaction, apparently! Will give that a bash in October :-)

Am really looking forward to having F visiting me from Australia over the weekend. She has been one of my best and closest friends for 10 years, and although we've had our ups and downs, she has been an important part of my adult life - and I hers. I've missed her over the last couple of years, and immmensely so with her living across the globe over the past 18 months. She has been through much heartache in recent weeks and I hope I can help her heal in the way that girlfriends, wine and a few laughs are so able to do, somehow.

All quiet on the baby front. Trying not to feel anxious about that. I'll know this weekend whether the pregnancy efforts for the last month have been successful - but somehow I think and feel... not. Calling in my child still, and staying positive and relaxed about things in that department as far as possible. (Again - the mention of a 'department' - must watch that, and integrate a little more perhaps...)

HoneyChild

Ok I'm back

2011-09-19T12:07:00.005+02:00

I took a break from keeping an online journal and I really missed it! Since I last wrote I've started my own business, which has been challenging and awesome. I love being my own boss. I love being in control of my time. I love how I've managed to leverage and really increase my earning power.

But I do get a little lonely! I miss having colleagues to talk to, and I miss having someone to share the perennial business owner's fear of not knowing where the next paycheck will come from. I miss being part of something bigger. Shit, I missed going to the Loeries this last weekend :-)

Overall, it's definitely been a fantastic move for me. I'm doing daily editorial writing in addition to my PR work, and that is something I really enjoy and have realised I should do more. A good learning.

I am also far more relaxed - like deeply, in my bones and muscles, relaxed. The stress of agency life takes a very physical toll over time, and it's never been more clear to me. When I look in the mirror and I don't see lines on my face, shadows under my eyes, or feel tension in my chest and knots in my stomach every morning, I know it's because of my significant lifestyle change. And they say starting a business is stressful! It's actually been easier, I've found.

I feel ready for a child. Having gone off the pill at the end of May, my body is totally, totally ready. So calling that baby in! I'm much more sexually awake as well. I always thought I was pretty normal in that department, but my sexuality is very charged right now. Not sure how well that's playing out with R. A little concerned that our historically mis-matched sex drives are starting to more out of sync than ever. But I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Feels good to be writing about this stuff again. Helpful.

HoneyChild

The end xxx

2011-02-24T14:56:00.004+02:00

I started this web diary a year ago because I needed to get clear on a lot of things, and I think better when I write. The impetus to start journalling again after many years was an awful incident at the end of February last year. The event left me shaken and raw, and realising that I needed to take a long hard look at myself. I've by no means solved every problem or straightened out every aspect of my life, but I definitely feel like I've grown up in the last year.

I'm maturing as a new wife and I have a settled and happy marriage. I've toned down a few of my bad habits and am more aware of how I show up in my relationships and socially. I've gone through a series of coaching and mentoring sessions, which have helped me enormously. After months and months of soul searching I've finally taken the leap and left a company that I've loved but which has been holding me back professionally and personally. And I'm trying to be more honest with myself. Which is probably the most important thing of all.

Standing on the brink of a new phase of my life, I can't help but think that keeping an online diary has helped move me forward on a positive new trajectory. At this juncture, it's time to close the HoneyChid blog - I'm ready to start a new chapter, and in a brand new shiny journal...

Bye for now.

HoneyChild

The end of an era

2011-02-18T11:41:00.001+02:00

It feels like the end of a mini-era socially at work at the moment. Several of the people who I have been close to have just resigned or are in the process of leaving for greener pastures at the moment. I must say, it makes it easier for me to be leaving at the end of the month too.

Agency life is like that - the cycles are so quick. I'll never forget a former colleague telling me how depressing it was to watch friend after friend resign in quick succession, just because their respectable two year window for working at the company was up. I remember swearing to myself that I wouldn't put myself through that - and wow, from that perspective I'm saying goodbye just in time. I hope to keep in touch with the amazing friends I've made in this job.

I also marvel at how terrible agencies tend to be at retaining staff. Their really good staff included. Surely the system is fundamentally flawed. Oh well, it's not my problem any more - I am relieved to be my own boss from now on.

I'll look back with great fondness, nothing more, nothing less.

HoneyChild

Back on the wagon

2011-02-14T15:19:00.000+02:00

Back to gym today – aAAAH!

It’s been two months of indulgence and no exercise…whatsoever. While my weight has remained steady, I’ve definitely got to the point where I’m feeling flabby, untoned and generally gross. I also miss the endorphins and energy that exercising regularly gives you. I guess I’m lucky to have a built in ‘fitness’ switch which after a long exercise hiatus eventually flips and directs me back onto the wagon/treadmill/power plate/whatever. But I’ve definitely pushed the ‘fat and lazy’ theme my sister and I agreed on for our summer – enjoy the eating, boozing and merry-making with no guilt. It’s been great, but now I feel…wobbly and lethargic.

So hitting Virgin after work, and hope it’ll give me a boost and a glow before Valentine’s Night dinner with R.

HoneyChild

Planning for new beginnings - business and baby

2011-02-01T14:43:00.000+02:00

I’ve handed in my resignation so my work on building my own client base officially starts today. I’ve got some great leads, but am so busy with my current work load that I’m going to have to be really disciplined about carving out time to get my own business planning done. Anyway, it’s all good. Feeling competent, productive and valuable – maybe because I’m taking charge of my own work. And while I’m still working hard on my current clients, I am feeling more detached emotionally from the day-to-day strains of client service. I hope that lasts.

Another priority for me at the moment is getting my physical health geared to having a baby sometime soon. Maybe it starts with eating more fruit and veg – as simple as that – and building from there. I am feeling comfortable in my body, and am maintaining my weight without much exercise or putting any effort into what I’m consuming. So I’m really quite relaxed at the moment, but need to ensure that I am at peak nutritional health over the next few months.

HoneyChild

January check-in

2011-01-20T15:01:00.000+02:00

Woohoo – it’s all happening!

Productivity, creativity, excitement, inspiration, abundance. January’s turning out to be a good month, and an excellent beginning to what I’m sure will be a very, very good year for me. Relationships on track. Body feeling good. Finances sorting themselves out. Career poised for change and development. And I believe it’s because I’ve tuned back into my intuition – more than I was last year, at least. So I’m making good decisions and it feels like I’m really operating on a higher frequency. Long may it last.

HoneyChild

Big shifts

2011-01-10T16:15:00.001+02:00

Since I returned from the Christmas break I’ve decided to change the structure of my career radically and start working for myself this year. It’s the natural evolution of all the thinking and soul searching and prospecting I did in 2010, and it’s all felt relatively easy and synchronous by comparison. I’ve already told my company and started my planning in the space of a few days. Amazing how fast it’s all happened – but it’s been a long time coming and I’m totally ready…like an autumn leaf…

I’ve preferred to contain all of that business-related thinking in a separate journal. It’s been useful to write with pen and ink as I formulate my ideas and go through quite a challenging, emotional process, and more appropriate to keep in entirely confidential.

I’m feeling inspired, and excited – my only wobble thus far has been telling my dad and not feeling as supported by him in my decision as I would have liked. But if I believe in myself and my own ability, others will too. And I’ve had nothing but love, support and enthusiasm from the handful of other people who know my news.

So here’s to a fruitful 2011…bring it.

HoneyChild

Reflecting on 2010 - my year in (dodgy) pictures

2010-12-23T10:13:00.000+02:00

I vowed at the beginning of 2010 that I would take more photos, and document our lives better for us to look back and remember what we’ve done. But this morning, looking through the shots of me from the last year, I’m not sure I like what I see. In almost every one I seem to be vacant – drunk, posing, looking as hot as possible. I had a lot of fun, clearly – but not good, clean fun.

On the whole, I’d be ashamed to show my parents my 2010 in pictures.

So as I think about the next year, I’m making just one resolution – to ensure that my life looks healthier, cleaner and more wholesome on film.

I’m on my way home this afternoon for a week – happy holidays everyone.

HoneyChild

Messages in the wind

2010-12-14T12:15:00.001+02:00

It’s interesting that since I decided make a renewed, conscious effort to tune into my spiritual side, I’ve been given lots of reassurance. I was offered a reading the other day, quite by surprise, from a very intuitive lady who told me I had strong psychic ability.

Yesterday I repeatedly got the message “Everything’s going to be ok” in totally obscure and unexpected places (graffiti, copy in a magazine I seldom read). Wondering what that’s about. I’ve written before about signs from the universe or the angels or whatever… It feels nice to hear from them again!

What I find amusing is that this has all coincided with my starting to run more regularly and making an effort to be outside in the fresh air more. It’s been incredibly windy and that’s been annoying me, but come to think of it, this weekend I was told that God shows him/itself in the wind. So I’ll take the current blustery weather as another encouragement to stay in tune with my concept of god. And as a Gemini, with air as my element, I need to make peace with the wind.

I’m looking forward to going home for Christmas where long, invigorating walks are a daily occurrence and nature is basically all there is. And I’ll keep my eyes and ears and heart open.

HoneyChild

Thinking about my spirituality

2010-12-02T12:49:00.001+02:00

My spiritual journey seems to have hit a cul de sac. I think I’m facing in the right direction but I’m not making any progress. My year has been filled with house keeping and career hunting, and I’m starting to feel the spiritual gap. I’m bored with both.

One of my clients is a devout Christian and in every Christmas letter and year-end greeting I draft for him, I have to wish the recipient a ‘spiritually enriching’ Christmas. So I’ve been thinking about how to have one myself.

I know that I operate at my highest levels when my emotional, physical, mental and spiritual aspects are in balance. I’m ok emotionally and mentally at the moment, but I’ve slacked off a bit in the physical realm in 2010. (Admittedly 2009 was a big health and body year – so maybe it’s natural to have a lull there) my spiritual life is non-existent. I want to meditate and observe more. I want to re-establish my connection with nature and the life force surrounding me. I want to be quiet.

So I’m setting that as a goal for this holiday, with the intention of carrying it through into 2011. Peace be with me.

HoneyChild

Preparing to float away

2010-11-18T11:30:00.003+02:00

In the last two weeks I've felt a very definite shift in the way I relate to my employers and clients. It's like I've taken an emotional leap backwards, away from the fire of over-commitment and the stress associated with that. I can liken it to the metaphor that once came up in a reading for me about letting go and saying goodbye to someone who I loved, but who I could not have a functional relationship with.

The image is that of a leaf slowly changing its colours at autumn time, and as winter and the end of the leaf's life cycle on the tree approaches, it gradually separates itself from the branch until it can gently drop off and float away. There is no great pain or wrench of misery, which you may feel when you're still holding on tightly to something. It is just an easy, natural transition. This is what the reading was urging me to wait for when it came to leaving an important love interest behind. But the metaphor has stuck with me over the years and I think it accurately describes what I am now feeling around my current work relationships. I am in no rush, but I am preparing to move on. And that is the difference between the scenario in June, when I wasn't yet quite ready, and now.

Interesting opportunities are showing themselves to me and I am directing energy towards them.

HoneyChild

Playing the game

2010-11-04T16:30:00.001+02:00

Two more coaching sessions down since I last wrote and I really am feeling different. Somehow I seem to be operating more and more easily from the place of an adult, rather than a child, and it’s showed up in how I’ve managed to handle some sticky work conversations around salary in the last week. The result? I’ve got a significant increase.

But I’ve also been left with the feeling that I’m tired of asking. The little child in me, the hole that needs to be nurtured by outside affirmation will always try to be filled up. But the adult version of me which is emerging is becoming more able to satisfy my own wants and needs. I need to remember to keep a space between the childish me and the adult me – to acknowledge the child but not let it be my downfall. I am the only person in the world who can look after myself.

In line with this, I have decided to start looking at new work opportunities. I think it will mean redefining my career - creating a position somewhere which meets my wants and needs fully. I need to be respected, supported, recognised and rewarded without asking for these things every six months. And maybe I need to do this in a different kind of organisation from my current work environment. I’m stepping into the game now, and I’m here to play.

HoneyChild

Loyalty and my inner child

2010-10-20T16:38:00.001+02:00

Another challenging, but really good coaching session yesterday. I need to think about having some tough conversations with the people managing me – because my coach feels I am not being allowed to be all that I can be in my job - as much as I love my company - and she believes there are other options for me. Whether I agree with her, and believe as she does, is the hard part to figure out because I am so loyal, and I’ve always trusted that everything will work out ok for me in the end…

Today we examined and questioned the notion of loyalty, and what this means to me. My mom has modelled this for me in her relationship with my father, but sadly this is not a good illustration of healthy loyalty – it is essentially an abusive relationship where loyalty is largely has taken away her power. While the tendency to be loyal is a strong part of my personality, I need to guard against misplaced, unreciprocated or inappropriately fierce loyalty when it comes to certain people and organisations.

We also discussed my inner child, and my need for nurturing, affirmation and protection from the outside world. I need to be able to take care of myself fully, and it’s going to take a little recalibration. Without this, I can never operate at my highest level in any sphere of my life, and it will sabotage my career growth in subtle ways. I need to make sure that before I have my own children, I am operating fully as an adult myself – otherwise I risk transferring all of my needs and wants onto my child.

We’re moving quickly with this coaching process, and I feel like it’s really working well for me – but I do need to check in afterwards and make sure that I don’t make rash decisions while I am still, literally, in process. Journalling, as I have been, has been helpful.

HoneyChild

Life coaching part 2

2010-10-07T14:07:00.000+02:00

My second coaching session was a tough one – I have felt shattered for two days. We started talking about how to integrate certain elements of my subordinate ID into my primary ID. In a nut shell, I need to acknowledge some more of the male (rather than just the ‘nice girl’) characteristics from the hidden part of my consciousness and allow them to be acceptable responses to my environment, particularly work and career-related factors.

Once I can do this, the way I show up in my other relationships, like the one with my dad, should also fall into place naturally. We identified a couple of incidents from my younger life which may have created the edge behind which I learnt (and still tend) to hide my voice in conflict situations, and the aspects about me that are not nice, right, obliging and sweet. I am at my core a nice person – I know that. As an adult, I now have to realise that I will always be considered ‘nice’, even when I need to have a hard conversation, or say no. Difficult conversations are merely a platform for discussing the assumptions and opinions of two or more people. I don’t have to think of them as something to fear anymore! Wow, that will be empowering.

We explored the public and the hidden arenas of my own Johari window, and my homework this week is to think about the other two quadrants - my blind arena and my unknown arena. I also have to imagine what I would do if I could do anything for a day, with no consequences – what do I dream for my life? I'll have to know by next Tuesday, I guess.

HoneyChild

Life coaching part 1

2010-09-28T15:28:00.001+02:00

I have just attended the first of five life coaching sessions for which my company has enrolled me. Some really interesting themes emerged during the first hour, and I sense the coaching programme will be a really valuable exercise over the next month so I think it will be useful to record the key insights.

Together with the coach, I’ve identified that I’d like to work on my management and leadership skills and my ability to deal with tough clients confidently, with the overall goal of ramping up the trajectory of my career development.

The most fascinating insight which came up in this first session was that I am experiencing a conflict around my role in my job, my family and the world in general. I am not being true to my essence, which is actually more masculine than traditionally feminine (regardless of the fact that I am a feminine woman).

While I resonate more naturally with men, and their way of doing business, I have a tendency to sugarcoat my directives and feedback for the sake of not hurting anyone. This is not serving me as well as it could, and if I am not coming across as authentic, or in balance with my masculine and feminine sides, I will never be able to fulfil my potential as a really good leader - and I will hold myself back in my career. Mastering this will also help me to be more confident in my interaction with difficult clients, and is something that we’ll work on for the next few weeks.

Another really interesting theory that we touched on is that the role you play in your family very much determines how you show up in your other relationships and in your working life. I can already see the links. I love being the favoured, the special, the best, the golden girl. I am the favourite daughter, the one big love, the best friend by a country mile, the most outstanding candidate, the highest, fastest achieving employee. That is always what I want to be. And yet I also want to be the nicest, sweetest, most obliging good girl who never hurts anyone. Can I be both? Not sure about that…

More next week.

HoneyChild

Being a better wife

2010-09-17T10:17:00.003+02:00

It’s been nearly a year since I got married and recently I’ve been feeling different about my role as a married woman. For one, I am increasingly thinking about how to be a better daughter/sister-in-law to R’s family. I know I haven’t necessarily been great at this – especially with them so far away – and I know I need to make an effort to keep in more regular contact with them. Having not given much time to this in the past, I think I’ve made improvements recently, and our trip away together was a great success, bringing us closer. I hope to keep up the good relationship I’ve built with them.

And I suppose I’m also striving to be a better wife. I certainly wasn’t a perfect one to start with, and we had a rocky few months earlier this year which were mostly due to the lack of responsibility I was taking for myself. Maybe I’m growing up, because I suddenly feel quite removed from and disappointed by the ‘old’ me. I feel that I’m improving in this area, and being much more accountable to my husband.

Nevertheless, we did have a bad argument while we were on holiday about another woman. Too many glasses of wine, and my jealously reared its head with nasty results. How much leeway do we give one another around other men and women? Surely it’s natural to have attractions and flirtations with other people during the course of one’s marriage? But surely it’s also ok to put my foot down when I feel it’s gone too far on his part? And then to manage my own actions around this as well?

I need to learn to express myself less emotionally, that’s for sure. But I also grew up in a family where that wasn’t the case. I was told as a young girl not to tolerate any philandering by my husband – and I know there were plenty of underlying reasons for this advice on my mom’s part – but where is the line?

Pondering all of this.

HoneyChild

Why holidays help

2010-09-15T13:16:00.000+02:00

I recently returned home from an incredible holiday in Europe, and it’s been an eye-opener to realise that an extended break from home, work and your normal routine is essential every now and then. Not only do I feel relaxed, rested and ready to take on the rest of the year with energy, I feel that my trip required me to challenge different aspects of myself which naturally become lazy when you are stuck in a familiar routine.

Communicating with people who speak different languages, eating new food and seeing places I’d - at a maximum – only ever read about was so stimulating. Spending time with my husband and his family who I don’t see often put into a different perspective what’s really important to me.

What was most amusing, and comforting, to note was that a couple of weeks away from the real world doesn’t make a scrap of difference in the long term to your colleagues, your friends, or anyone else who you think may struggle without you. So I’m resolving to take holidays more often, and not to feel guilty about doing it! You only live once, and the occasional break helps you perform better in the long run.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-08-13T11:41:00.001+02:00

I haven't done one of these in a while. Here goes...

Blonde restaurant, Gardens - we had a fantastic evening here with friends - extensive menu, cool bar and fun vibe. Their half price winter special also makes it great value.

White boy vests - stolen from my husband's cupboard.

Thanks celebforyou.com for this image of Scarlett Jo rocking one (or two?).

Caprice - I think Cape Town's most common cause of a Monday hangover deserves a big up for their Naughty Boy Auction last Sunday. The chicks went mad and they raised R16000 for charity in the name of Women's Day.

Check out the photos here

Lady Gaga Dance in the Dark - I am obsessed with this 80s-inpired track at the moment.

Montpellier winery in Tulbagh - we popped in here to look at the beautiful chapel on the farm and ended up staying for a glass of Theo's Synchrony (delicious Gewurztraminer-Chenin blend) with the very hospitable owner.

Really well worth a visit if you're in the area.

Happy Friday xxx
HoneyChild

Bring on my holiday

2010-08-11T16:01:00.001+02:00

I have had a ‘difficult’ two weeks. Not in the sense that I’ve experienced non-stop stress at a constant level (I’ve actually had plenty of lulls in my work rhythm), but rather that there’s been a lot of miscommunication and hurry-up-and-wait from my clients, and each day has been punctuated by a few extremely pressurised periods! I need a holiday badly, I’ve realised - I haven’t had a decent break since my honeymoon because of all the time getting married ate out of my leave last year.

I suppose that it’s at times like these that one needs to keep breathing, drive safely and not let little things get to you. I can handle that. I can. Looking forward to my two week break at the beginning of September.

HoneyChild

The importance of things

2010-07-28T12:39:00.001+02:00

I have definitely always placed far more importance on people than things. My relationships mean more to me than my possessions, as a rule. I’m sure that’s true for many people, but I feel strongly that I would sacrifice material things (don't need no weekly shopping sprees) for a loving partner, close friends and a harmonious family and work life. Until yesterday, when I lost my wedding rings.

I realised fully for the first time that the emotional value I place in my relationship is represented by my engagement and wedding bands. I cried with relief when I found them, but the message has hit home hard. Now I know for sure that I am tied to my husband, with every heart string. The fear that I had lost even the symbol of our marriage (so easily replaceable, in reality) was almost too much to bear. It’s reminded me really to treasure our relationship too. That’s the real thing.

HoneyChild

Mortality

2010-07-15T16:17:00.001+02:00

I’m really feeling the presence and weight of death around me. Not in a creepy way – it’s just a much greater awareness than I’ve had before of death, and maybe my own mortality. There was a death earlier this month in R’s family, then a tragic accident which killed a close friend of a colleague last week, and a beloved aunt of my own is on the brink of passing away. It’s making me consider how fragile life really is for the first time, and how lucky I am to have my health. I’m also incredibly fortunate that all of the people I love the most are alive and well.

The thought of losing my parents, my husband, my sister right now, is beyond what I can imagine. I read a report on the murder of Inge Lotz in Marie Claire yesterday, and what struck me most was the agony of the family who lost their precious daughter. It’s not something you would wish on anyone, but it’s happening – there are 50 murders taking place daily in South Africa, according to MC.
I send my thoughts to everyone who has lost a loved one.

HoneyChild

Offering support

2010-07-08T10:20:00.001+02:00

I’m amazed by how much more settled I feel again. Despite being incredibly stretched at work again (after a few less demanding months earlier this year) I feel totally at peace in the heart of the chaos. I have been rewarded for my decision to stay; my instinct was correct, and that has made me feel confident again.

Now to refocus on other areas of my life, I guess. I’m concerned about some of the people in my life who I’m closest to – my husband and my best friend are both going through a really tough time. I wonder how best to support them. I think I could do more, so am looking for some insight in that regard. I'll keep my eyes and ears open for a little guidance.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-07-02T12:31:00.007+02:00

This week I've really enjoyed...

1, 2 and 3. Eclipse - a visual feast. Best of the three movies so far. What do you think?

4. Weekends away in the winelands with friends - such a fun, wintery thing to do. Best served with sunshine, Sunday lunch and lots of vino. We went away to Robertson last weekend.

We popped in at Bon Courage, obviously.

5. The Cajun Chicken Salad (formerly the Howling Wolf Chicken Salad) at J.B. Rivers in Cavendish - this has been on their menu forever, and along with the sushi is the best thing they serve. Great for lunch with the girls.

Enjoy the weekend - and please see Eclipse!

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-06-25T09:43:00.000+02:00

It's been a couple of weeks since my last Friday faves list, and I've had a birthday in between, so here's a catch up.

1. Sparkly, sequined mini-dresses - I wore a black and gold one to my party. Lots of fun, and made me feel like a teenager again...critical when you're approaching 30, I say.

Thanks Intheircloset.com for the pics of this dress by Balmain.

2. Bobbi Brown Extra Balm Rinse - this is the best cleanser I've ever used. It makes your skin feel like you've had a facial before bed. One of my favourite birthday presents.

3. 'Long Road (Tribute to Heroes)' by Eddie Vedder and Neil Young - a song they performed after the 9/11 tragedy. It's old now, but it's still beautiful.

4. The Codfather in Morningside - I had a belated birthday dinner with my Dad in JHB on Monday night. We had a great evening, and delicious fish (you pick your cut and pay per weight) at this cosy spot in the Codfather Village off Rivonia Road. Amazingly, their stock seems to be as fresh as it is at its coastal sister restaurant in Camps Bay.

5. Handwritten letters and long messages in birthday cards - this is the part I love most about birthdays. Better than an sms or Facebook message any day. I really appreciate the effort that goes into writing a birthday wish that will be sent via snail mail - it feels more personal somehow, and a reminder to me that I should do it more often for my loved ones.

Enjoy your weekend, and if it's your birthday, have a great one!

Honey Child

Birthday reflection

2010-06-18T11:36:00.002+02:00

It’s my birthday this weekend and I feel like reflecting a little on the first half of the year. I sense that things have turned a corner for me in the last two weeks, and that the rest of the year is going to be gentler, somehow. I’ve been frantically busy but happy with new challenges at work, and still have other career opportunities on the horizon. Stangely, I picked up a book of 2010 horoscopes in Exclusive Books the other day and it forecast the last week as the busiest and most stressful of my year! While I’m feeling good about work, I want to address salary issues and get my finances in better order. I’ve risen to the challenge of continuing with my second degree, and have passed more subjects part-time. So I’m feeling great about that, and motivated to carry on.

I’m happy about my growing social circle – for the first time since I moved back to Cape Town I suddenly feel that I have an established and large group of friends again. I’m looking forward to my party tomorrow night.

Things with R are generally good – but I need to be aware of taking my tiredness and scratchiness out on him. I’m concerned about him – career and health-wise – and I want to support him as much as possible for the next little while.

I am missing my sister overseas and would like to go home for a holiday to see my parents before the end of the year if possible, just to connect and see how they really are. The phone doesn’t always do the trick. Death and illness in the extended family has been a sad theme in recent months, and I’m sending all of my energy and love to my mom’s cousin in KZN, battling with cancer.

My health has been good, and my immune system feels particularly strong at the moment. I think my cutting back on alcohol has helped my system enormously. I’ve lost a little weight without any effort and I’m feeling comfortable in my body again. I need to work on my fitness in the next part of the year. Once the days start lengthening again I hope to have more time to run after work in the evenings.

I’ve also been more in tune with myself spiritually this month, and remembered how much more powerful I am when I’m operating using my intuition and powers of visualisation.

So overall I’m feeling more balanced than I have in a long time, and I’m happy and excited about the year ahead.

Have a good weekend – I hope to be back with a Friday High Five next week.

HoneyChild

Eighteen again

2010-06-08T15:52:00.002+02:00

Phew, nice and busy this week. World Cup fever certainly hasn't slowed down the work demands. Feeling neutral about the job situation - I'll know more by Friday, and will just have to take things from there.

In other news, I'm planning my birthday - I feel like a proper party this year, having had smaller celebrations for my last four birthdays. I can't wait to be 18 again! (Read: 28).

HoneyChild

A call for guidance

2010-06-02T11:07:00.001+02:00

Wow, I’m feeling strained. While the focus of last year was deepening my relationship with R and plannning a wedding, so far 2010 seems to have been all about career tension and the back and forth of ‘should I stay or should I go?’. It seems silly to complain because I have great opportunities available to me in whichever direction I choose to move. But I’m finding the whole process - weighing up intense loyalty and the comfort of familiarity with ambition and the need for change - emotionally very draining. I want to be able to satisfy all of those desires in one place.

Looking for some guidance and certainty here, Universe. Please.

HoneyChild

My (unintentionally blue) Friday High Five

2010-05-27T17:34:00.013+02:00

Word. Here are the things I've been enjoying this week:

1. Florence and the Machine - I love lead singer Florence Welch's voice, and have had their recent single 'Dog Days' on the brain since Tuesday.

Here's their video of 'You've Got the Love' - a cover of an old favourite by Candi Staton. It makes me feel like an angsty 15-year-old again.

2. The huge vuvuzela that's been constructed by Hyundai on an unfinished bridge near the N2 in Cape Town. A cool publicity idea.

Thanks to Between10and5 for this pic.

3. Blueberry or raspberry and white chocolate muffins - pure decadence, 100% balanced out by the healthy antioxidants from the berries of course. I love the gorgeous autumnal look of these muffins.

Here's a recipe for you.

4. Mini dresses in dramatic colours - how's this teal one that Blake Lively wore recently?

(Via StyleScoop.)

5. Stormers vs Bulls in the Super 14 Final... at Orlando stadium. I think it's brilliant, and a timeous nation-builder so close to the World Cup. This photo from last weekend's game made me smile.

Here we go Stormers.

HoneyChild

Running better

2010-05-25T15:46:00.005+02:00

Checking in with a short and sweet update today. I'm feeling my vibe right now. I think I always feel good during my birthday season - late May to late June - yes, I'm a Gemini (and a fairly typical one at that). Things are working out nicely on all fronts - health, work, relationships, money. I'm sense I'm operating on a much higher level than I was three months ago, and I'm proud of myself because I have made a concerted effort to raise my game and get my shit together. I'm running my life better, having been stagnant for a while.

Lots of excitement in the pipeline socially and hopefully a good new career opportunity.

I'm listening to Florence and the Machine's 'Dog Days are Over'.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-05-21T10:43:00.013+02:00

I'm digging the following this week:

1. Kevin Costner and his oil cleanup technology: I have to give this guy a virtual high five for his multi-million dollar investment - some form of centrifugal oil separator technology that may just help save BP's ass.

Read the full story here: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-oil-spill-hollywood-20100521,0,2351299.story

2. The One&Only Red nail polish by Bastien Gonzalez: this perfect, classic red suits any skin tone and looks amazing on short, square nails.

It's available from One&Only Cape Town.

3. Toasted sandwiches: a comforting, decadent winter staple, preferably incorporating white bread and lots of cheese.

4. The Diski dance: the best part of World Cup fever, if you ask me.

John Smit for Supersport - wahahaha. Love this.

5. La Cuccina: a Hout Bay institution, and a great venue for a lazy Saturday brunch. I usually order the Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon.

View the full menu here: http://www.lacuccina.co.za/HOME.html

Wishing you a brilliant weekend.

HoneyChild

Baby steps

2010-05-20T11:43:00.005+02:00

My husband has babies on his mind. Our conversation is increasingly infiltrated by references to our future kids. His favourite question at the moment is, 'when did you say we could start?'. And as exciting as that is, it's also bloody scary.

I want children, of course. I want them very much, and I find I'm being drawn to young kids and babies in my daily life. But I'm ten years younger than R and I'm definitely not ready for offspring yet. I'm nervous at the thought of my body changing radically, my lifestyle turning on its head, my career being put on hold, my priorities shifting dramatically. It's a big step that I know I need to be more comfortable with than I feel now. I've accepted that we'll have to compromise a little around timing - he can't wait for another 3-5 years, which would be ideal for me.

R is understanding of and sensitive to my concerns around this. He's not putting unbearable pressure on me, but I am aware of the subtle and constant yearning in him. I've been told that one is never totally ready to have kids - they usually arrive a little bit too soon! And the irony is that often when older couples are 200% ready and desperate for children, they struggle to have them. I know I'm lucky to have a financially secure husband who is amped for offspring, and that I have the opportunity to be a young, and perhaps more resilient and energetic mother than I might be in five years' time.

But how do I get over the nerves?

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-05-14T10:38:00.011+02:00

Winter is all about hot meals, hot baths and reading next to the fire. (I tell myself these things to keep myself from crawling into bed and staying there until October.) This week I'm loving...

1. Wingback chairs - we've just bought a new cream one for our living room. The design is so comfortable for reading.

This is the Monster Skin chair by Joshua Ben Longo.

2. Shows at the Fugard - I watched London Road last week and R saw Arno Carstens playing there on Wednesday. Both great shows, and the atmosphere in the theatre is intimate and cosy.

3. Woolworths Moroccan chicken and chickpea soup - this is the best store-bought soup (and canned, nogal) I've ever tasted. It's full of delicious slow-cooked chicken with a tomato base and hints of apricot.

4. Badedas - the most luxurious and soothing bubble bath in creation, surely?

5. Cola Tonic and Lemonade - yes, it's old school. But it's also delicious and proudly South African.

There's even a Facebook group devoted to it- thanks for the picture.

Enjoy the weekend.

HoneyChild

Telling stories

2010-05-13T10:50:00.001+02:00

I had lunch yesterday with someone who encouraged me to submit a short story for the SA PEN competition. And I think I’m going to do it. I’ve mentioned before that I loved creative writing when I was younger, but my work now requires me to write very differently. This blog has allowed me to start expressing myself more honestly, but I still miss writing stories. I think I’m ready to give it a bash again.

Now…the decision about what to write. The story has to be 3000-5000 words. I wonder if I’ll get to 1500! I feel excited about the challenge, and look forward to starting the creative process. I think I’ll write about a single day in the life of someone. A day when something important happens.

Any comments or ideas?

HoneyChild

Juggling act

2010-05-10T14:59:00.003+02:00

This weekend I was reminded that I am good at multitasking. I juggled studying for tomorrow's exam with a work trip to Durban, a huge friend crisis, a dinner party for seven, three in-laws staying with us, a Mother's Day lunch out in Noordhoek, Stormers rugby, World Cup cricket and trying to get all the laundry dry in the pouring rain. I managed to do all of it pretty well - I have come to understand that doing things 80% perfectly 80% of the time is usually good enough.

Feeling good about myself, and interestingly, more productive having detoxed for a week now. Could do with cutting out some of the comfort food which I seem to be magnetised to in this weather, particularly with exams looming. But that can happen next week, when the study madness is over.

HoneyChild

(Early) Friday High Five

2010-05-06T14:51:00.009+02:00

I'll be in Durban for work tomorrow (hope it's a little sunnier in KZN) - so here is this week's high five list, just a little early.

1. The Hot Rock n' Roll from Willoughby's - this spicy tuna and avo sushi roll is unbelievable.

Check out the full menu: www.willoughbyandco.co.za

2. Duane Vermeulen - the Stormers' new MVP?

3. The 2OceansVibe radio show on Friday mornings - very entertaining.

Tune in tomorrow at 8:00am: http://www.2oceansviberadio.com/listen-live-now/

4. Cashmere sweaters - I've got a beautiful new super soft cream one for winter.

This one's from www.luvcharlie.com

5. Caveau at the Mill in Newlands - nice and cosy on chilly nights, with great wine and delicious tapas-style starters.

You'll need to book a table on rugby days - www.caveau.co.za

Have a great weekend.

HoneyChild

Taking stock

2010-05-03T14:13:00.003+02:00

I really messed up on Saturday and I feel awful about it. I went to a wedding and got very under the weather. One shooter turned into several and the next thing I knew it was all overs. R had to take me home early and miss out on the whole party - it was his friend getting married, and he was still cross about it last night. This has happened way too often in recent months and I was reminded again that I have to take it easy on the booze. I actually have to lay off it entirely for a while. I'm just not reacting well to it, and it's having a seriously negative effect on my relationship. It's not that I'm addicted to it, I just love having a good time but my body isn't handling alcohol like it did when I was younger. It's not ok to get so out of control anymore. I'm married.

So here we go. Cold turkey til my birthday next month ladies and gents. This should be interesting.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-04-30T11:49:00.011+02:00

Happy Friday. Here are my faves for this week.

1. The messy braid - homeless schoolgirl chic. As seen at Alexander McQueen.

2. The spa at The One&Only Cape Town - going there this afternoon for a massage. Can't hardly wait... Here's the link: http://www.oneandonlycapetown.com/Facilities-at-One-and-Only-Cape-Town/Spa-and-Fitness

3. High Constantia Clos Andre Cap Classique - preferably served ice cold by the winemaker, Roger. Amazing.

4. Sarah Britten - this chick is seriously funny. I love her blog on Thought Leader: http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/sarahbritten

5. Boyfriend blazers - in every colour please. This one is from Asos.com...I like.

Have a fabulous weekend.

HoneyChild

Small shifts in growing up

2010-04-28T09:41:00.003+02:00

I've always believed that the first time my husband and I host Christmas at our home for our respective parents, we'll really be grown up. I was raised in a household where my mom has regularly cooked the Christmas dinner for the family that often descends upon us at the end of the year. Christmas at home has been almost entirely her responsibility for the 30 years she's been married to my father. And that's pretty grown up.

Having spent the last few days with R's parents who are visiting us from the States, I have been thinking about getting older. More specifically, I've been considering the subtle series of changes that occur which move a child into the adult role while the parents move back into the role of the children. I love both sets of parents to death. But I have noticed that, particularly around R's folks, we are starting to take the role of mom and dad. It's quite amazing how that happens. We direct the conversation, the activities, and the general admin part of things, including the cooking and cleaning. One of these days, my mom and dad will take a back seat around hosting Christmas. And I guess that means that R and I will naturally step up. Guess I'm not a kid anymore.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

2010-04-23T10:55:00.008+02:00

Let's dive straight in, shall we?

1. Peonies - loved these in my wedding bouquet. So pretty and romantic, they were perfect.

2. Chilli hot chocolate - very delish in winter, with a spicy little kick.

Click here for a recipe:

http://coffeetea.about.com/od/chocolaterecipes/r/aztecchoc.htm

3. 'Somebody to Love' by Nelly Furtado - bonus track on her 2006 album Loose which I've rediscovered. Huge Latin vibe has been keeping me warm all week.

4. 'A Million Miles from Normal' by Paige Nick - can't put it down, and I keep laughing out loud.

Check out Paige's blog:

http://amillionmilesfromnormal.blogspot.com/

5. Cafe Roux in Noordhoek - going there for lunch (again) this weekend. Dig the live music on Sundays.

They have a yummy menu too:
http://www.caferoux.co.za/caferoux_menu.html

Enjoy the weekend.

HoneyChild

Standing up

2010-04-22T13:20:00.000+02:00

I seem to have a problem with authority. Not in the sense that I don’t like authority. Rather, because I find it painfully difficult to say no to those who are (or at least who I perceive to be) in a position of greater power. I definitely inherited a sizeable dose of good girl mentality from my mother, and my traditional schooling instilled a healthy (at times unhealthy) respect for my seniors. As a fully grown woman, I still struggle to stand up for myself when I don’t agree with what my boss, senior colleagues, older family members and some of my more demanding friends ask of me. And it’s becoming a frustration.

I need to learn how to speak out confidently when I’m being mistreated, and not to stew about it and then let it slide, as I tend to do. It’s a big part of my growing up process, I know. My mom has only recently started to tell people where to shove it when she feels she’s being taken advantage of. That took her more than 50 years. I need to master that ability (which ironically my father and sister have in spades) a lot sooner. Like, by my 30th birthday. Must practise.

HoneyChild

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S.A.D.ness

2010-04-20T14:05:00.000+02:00

Feel flat. Moody. No energy. Want to eat, not move. Can hardly string a sentence. Together. Hate this weather.

I know that I experience a form of Seasonal Affective Disorder every autumn leading into winter. I realised how much I rely on the sun to keep me buoyant when I moved back to South Africa after many years at boarding school in England. I discovered that the great summers in Cape Town could keep me happy for several months of the year, but even so, the change of season and the onset of Cape winter rain (combined with thought of the looming exam period as a student) have always managed to get me down.

And the wintry weather we’ve had for the last two days seems to have brought on the S.A.D. again. R pointed it out to me last night – he hates this time of year too, but only because of what it does to me. He gets excited about red wine and weekends away without cricket commitments. I get irritable, depressed and painful to live with. Oh dear, I’ve got to find a way to overcome my urge to stay in bed all day and hide from the world when I’m feeling like this. So lifeless. Any suggestions?

HoneyChild

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Friday Favourites

2010-04-16T15:50:00.010+02:00

I think Friday is a good day to lighten things up a bit, so I present…the first Friday high five list of things I just well, dig.

1. Serena hair – perfect for autumn, n’est ce pas?

2. Kitima restaurant in Hout Bay – super stylish, and the aromatic crispy duck pancakes are to die for. You'll need to make a booking: http://www.kitima.co.za/

3. Bobs For Good foundation – Bob Skinstad’s charity. Check out his site:

http://bobsforgood.co.za/tag/bob-skinstad/

4. Mumford and Sons – Little Lion Man is such a killer song.

5. Viggo Mortensen – particularly as Aragon, obviously.

Have a great weekend.

HoneyChild

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Thanks for the music

2010-04-15T14:32:00.003+02:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I played a musical instrument. It astounds me that a habit that was so much a part of my life has simply slipped right off my radar. As a teenager, I loved singing and spent hours by myself playing the guitar and the piano. Not to mention the fact that it's been over a year since I bought a CD. I used to spend all my pocket money on new music. I had a collection to be proud of. Now I only possess...old music

Music moves me profoundly. I inherited a great deal of emotional sensitivity to it from my father, who often cries when he hears a beautiful song. (Music and particularly well crafted lyrics are definitely the only things which, in combination, can make dear old Dad drizz.) I have been freshly reminded of this quite amusing predispostion which we share in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday evening I felt the urge to pick up a guitar for the first time in ages. Earlier today while driving, a hit song from five years ago unexpectedly came on the radio, and it suited my rather melancholy mood perfectly. And this afternoon a new band was recommended to me by a surprising source - I listened to one of their songs and it instantly resonated with me.

This little series of events as a signal has made me realise I need to embrace my love of music again and re-integrate it into my life and my identity. Looking forward to it.

HoneyChild

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Trying to decide

2010-04-14T16:26:00.003+02:00

A few years ago I received the gift of a channelled reading which I experienced as a stream of beautiful wisdom from my spiritual guides and my higher self. I understood and identified immediately with most of the information revealed to me, but I found one aspect of the reading very surprising. It was an insight about my tendency to be indecisive. Basically I was told that sometimes watching me make even the smallest decision in a grocery store was excruciating! I don’t think I’d ever thought of myself as indecisive before that moment, and I’d never considered that if I was, it may be frustrating to other people.

And yet, several years later, I often think back to that message and it resonates with me. Obviously, it usually happens when I’m in the middle of a decision-making process, as I am now. It’s not particularly helpful either – in fact, it just makes me more self-conscious about my own indecisiveness. But I don’t believe that my intuition would point something out that sharply just to mess with me. So I’m really trying to come to grips with why I have such negative energy around making a call about important stuff. I’m sure it’s largely to do with my need to please others, and not to hurt anyone as a result of my actions.

I can choose pretty quickly when my decision doesn’t affect anyone but me (I’ve never been one of those girls who changes their outfit 10 times before going out, which I’m sure makes me very decisive in some books). But I can weigh up pros and cons for hours when it comes to different kinds of decisions - from life-changing but really very simple choices like whether to go on a first date with someone who would ultimately become my husband (I spent months working out whether that was a good idea – duh) to inconsequential rubbish like what to buy for supper for the husband. Where there’s a chance that someone else can be negatively affected by what I decide, I’m temporarily paralysed.

Intellectually, I can see that’s stupid. Energetically I know that it’s crazy to fixate on the negative that hasn’t yet occurred. And the ridiculous thing is that by deliberating and delaying for so long, I can sometimes hurt people even more.

My horoscope today: This is a session in which you must cultivate positivity and faith because these qualities will easily overcome fear and doubt. Ok, will add that to my to-do list.

HoneyChild

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Pretty funny

2010-04-13T15:47:00.002+02:00

Like most women, I’ve experienced my looks and my body differently as I’ve grown up. I was a cute little girl, but no Miss Tinkerbell contender. I had chubby stages, pretty stages, pimply stages, went through a ridiculous string bean phase from the ages of 11-13, and then filled out and grew (a whole lotta) curves in my later teens. I once read a quote that read something along the lines of “You are born with the face you were given, but at 20 you have the face you deserve.” I know that by the age of 20 I had completely grown out of my ugly duckling phase – in fact, it was looking at photos of myself on my 20th birthday that I first saw myself as beautiful.

But I still battled with weight, eating and exercise for several years after that. No moreso, probably, than most girls, and always privately – yet I realise that I was constantly trying to mould myself into the “hottest” version of me. It was all part of life as a single girl, always on the lookout for a cheap ego boost. Looking back, I wasted a lot of time, money and mental energy on all of that. The funny thing is, now that I’m relaxing into my body, getting used to a couple of emerging wrinkles and am confident and secure in my relationship, I get far more unexpected compliments and enquiries about my former modelling career (what?!) from total strangers. Some tasty ones too. Go figure.

HoneyChild

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Maybe later

2010-04-12T11:41:00.003+02:00

One of my worst habits is undoubtedly procrastination. I am so annoyed with myself for letting the whole weekend pass me by without even looking at the books. The textbooks for the two long distance courses I'm (supposed to be) taking this semester. The study material I left in full view on the dining room table for three days, unopened. It was the first weekend in a while where I had a full Sunday to myself really to get started and log some serious hours...and attempt to undo the knot in my stomach that is tightening on a daily basis as my exams loom. (Four weeks to go until the first one, and I've literally not touched the subject.) I watched Gossip Girl and went to Caprice instead. Nice work.

This is the behaviour I cultivated so (un)successfully as a student, but you'd think as a married, working woman with a degree under my belt I would have bloody well grown out of it by now. I seem to thrive on the pressure and drama of leaving things until the last minute, and it translates into a lot of aspects of my life. Definitely something to look at, and try to improve.

HoneyChild

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Signs

2010-04-09T11:38:00.005+02:00

My grandmother told me that feathers are messages from the angels which protect and guide you. A white feather left for you is a sign that whatever you're thinking or feeling or trying to decide is the right thing.

I received my new job offer yesterday, but the terms of engagement do not amount to what I want. She'd not able to offer me quite enough to make the move worth it for me, and to lose the stability and environment of my current job. I'll counter it for a while, but my heart's not in it. We hosted dinner at home for a dozen work colleagues last night - it was so much fun, and I was reminded that I'm very fortunate to have a social scene like I do at my company. This morning we watched creative work that's come out of the agency in recent weeks. I loved it so much, I cried. Last week our team won industry awards beyond our wildest dreams - I am a member of one of the hottest PR consultancies around. How can I leave all that just to chase the idea of money? The money will come.

I'm sitting at my desk, looking outside at a little white feather which is stuck like glue to the window. I think this is a message to go with my heart, stay for a while.

HoneyChild

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Body talk

2010-04-07T13:53:00.002+02:00

Well, it's been 5 months since I returned from honeymoon and I've put on 2-3 kg. Not too bad, I guess, considering I lost some weight from exercising a lot, not eating much and feeling pretty strained before the wedding. But I'm feeling a little uncomfortable in my clothes after the Easter weekend and think it's time for some discipline. Eat less, run more. Or my preferred variation: less lunches, more lunges. Should be back on track by my birthday in June.

Wondering if I should try supplements again. They have been helpful in the past, but can be so expensive. The last time I used them I decided they would only be a weight maintenance aid, not a weight loss tool, and I think that's a good principle. The real work should be done by me, and I do not want to become reliant on anything unsustainable. The beauty of reaching your late 20s is that you realise your body is pretty stable - you don't need to starve yourself or exercise 5 times a week to maintain your fitness and figure. I mean, who can realistically juggle that kind of body pressure once you start having kids and juggling a family with work etc? Again, that would be unsustainable - for me, at least.

On the other hand, you can't only eat junk, drink too much and sit on your butt either, and I've done a fair bit of all of those things in recent months. So I'm cool with that. It's normal and healthy, not obsessive, not lazy. I look forward to a little, private health kick as autumn approaches.

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Saying goodbye

2010-04-06T15:09:00.002+02:00

I've said goodbye to my two best friends in the last 24 hours. One is embarking on a two month journey of self-discovery, the other is leaving for longer to work abroad. I'm happy and full of positive anticipation for both of them. Although I'll miss them, I'm not sad to say goodbye. I feel so much at peace about seeing them off on their own private adventures, which I know I'll never fully understand. I know that, because you can't explain those adventures to anyone unless they're travelling with you. Years of living overseas taught me that. I'll be fiercely interested to hear their respective stories, and we'll pick up where we left off as far as our friendship is concerned. But I don't expect to feel and know what they've experienced in my marrow. I know the same is true about my sister's life overseas.

Their uncertainty and unsettled situations make me feel so stable and sure of myself in comparison. Although I'm still waiting to make a decision around my next career move, I'm married, in a lovely home, with great job prospects and children somewhere on the not-too-distant horizon. And I don't rely on their friendship to support me - at least, not anymore. I have my own new unit and new life with R. For the first time, it feels really great and really right to be married. I'm grateful for that.

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Waiting game

2010-03-31T16:29:00.001+02:00

In stark contrast with my more patient and much more philosophical attitude yesterday, today I'm just sick of playing this waiting game. So tired of playing two different games, in fact! Juggling a current job and a prospective one is demanding to say the least! Guess it's all part of the challenge, but I've had a a whole month of this, and the tension has really built up, in a subtle but very real way. Things with R blew up last night, but over something so silly. One too many glasses of wine after work doth not a hangover make, but it tends to give me way too short a fuse. I can't wait for a break, to get out of town for a few days and have a change of scenery. Frustrated.

Going to look here for some inspiration! http://www.ripplesofimprovement.com/the-art-of-patience-learning-to-be-like-the-tortoise/

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A glimpse from above

2010-03-30T16:00:00.002+02:00

Browsing around a book store at lunchtime today, I found myself in the Mind/Body/Soul section (as usual...). And I had a moment of clarity while I was there. I do not want to change my job because I am unhappy at A or because B is much better. I want to change the structure of my job, so that I am more responsible for myself. So that I can do bigger things with my talent. I think that's a natural sign of growing out of one thing and striving to be better. And this little glimpse at my situation from the perspective of my higher self has made me feel peaceful and lighter. I can shape my career, and every aspect of my life, into whatever I want it to be. Glad to be tuning back in to my intuition.

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Going with the flow

2010-03-29T17:14:00.002+02:00

I realise more and more that the illusion of control is comforting but not worth taking too seriously. Work hard to an extent, and then stop pushing. Just go with the flow. Shit has a habit of working itself out. That sounds terrible, but you know what I mean...

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Taking risks

2010-03-26T13:52:00.002+02:00

Moving on is hard. Especially when what you're leaving behind is good, fun, happy. And even moreso when you don't need to move. I'm feeling pulled, not pushed, onto a new career path, and it makes me wish my current job could be enough, could give me enough. But my mom always said you're never totally ready to make the biggest decisions and take the biggest risks that life throws at you. Having a baby, emigrating, or in this case, leaving the security of a well paid job in a great company with growth potential to start a new division of a small start up. But that's what I'm about to do, and it's scary.

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Intro

2010-03-25T17:10:00.003+02:00

As a little girl I loved creative writing and keeping a journal. Now I write for a living on behalf of my clients. But I've stopped writing to and for myself, and I feel like I've stopped connecting with myself a little too. I've gently lost a part of me. So this is my attempt to start journalling again. The only rule I'm giving myself is to be straight and not to shy away from saying what I really mean. In my relationships I tend to mould the truth to keep the peace, and often to avoid being wrong. This blog is an exercise in honesty. Because that's good.

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