Birthday reflections

The eve of my 31st birthday seems a good time to take stock of where I am. While not wanting to compartmentalise too much (an ongoing challenge for me) I feel like this is the right moment to take an honest look at myself and assess the various areas of my life. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, I think it's fair to give myself the following scores: Motherhood: 9/10 plus 1 point for second pregnancy! = 10/10 The most important score to have got right this year, I feel I have adjusted to motherhood admirably and am doing a really good job in this area. I am also pregnant again, and coping well - so perhaps I can give myself an extra point for that! My little boy has been the greatest joy and blessing of my life, and I know that having my daughter later this year will create the same explosion of love for me. Relationship with R: 8/10 After a rocky few months adjusting to all that comes with being new parents, I think we have pulled through with flying colours and are connecting well. I still have work to do around honesty and listening. Sexually we are ok - could be better, but we're both trying. Family: 9/10 No major problems here, except perhaps around openness of communication from my sister around her new boyfriend. Overall things are good with my parents, and giving them a grandchild this year has been the biggest gift I could ever have given them. Relationships with my family-in-law have also strengthened and deepened this year. I've also become aware of how much healing a new child can do in a family. Career: 5/10 Work and career growth have taken a backseat and my inability to secure an overdraft on the back of mediocre business performance this year has been a bit of a downer. I have also not serviced my clients well and have put some relationships in jeopardy, which I feel bad about. However, I have made amends where possible and have good new business prospects lined up for the rest of 2013, so am feeling more positive about growing my client base and securing my cashflow for the rest of the financial year, maternity leave notwithstanding. Further to my post of 1 May, I need to ensure I do not over-commit myself and paralyse my productivity through fear (and baby brain!) from October into January. Finances: 4/10 While as a family we are thriving due to R's increased earning power (even our house move and rental has gone smoothly in recent weeks), I am not performing well in this area personally. Linked to my career, my cashflow has been abysmal for the last several months, and I have accumulated more debt than I am comfortable with. The only redeeming factor here is my good work in the last two weeks around consciously engaging with abundance, and doing my best to attune once again to this flow by giving away what I can, getting clear on what I want from the universe and thinking about gratitude. My sense is that I have created some limiting beliefs* which I need to rewire, but I am conscious of this and I hope that moving into a'4' year cycle (which I enter tomorrow) will be helpful as I align myself with financial flow again. Learning: 5/10 Yet another area that has not been a priority this year since having my baby. My UNISA studies have fallen off the radar and I am keen to re-start these in January next year. I have also identified a course in metaphysics which I would like to explore. I am starting to read again, and have been enjoying this in recent weeks. However, my (non-academic)learning and increased levels of self-awareness and self-knowledge since becoming a mother allow me to add a few points here. Friends: 9/10 Friendships remain strong and clear across the board, particularly in my core circle. Some of my more extended circles have become distant and I would like to re-connect with these people before baby 2 arrives. I would also like to assist R in re-establishing some of his old friendships, which have drifted away. Perhaps entertaining more at home when we move into a bigger place next month is the way to achieve this. Health and fitness: 6/10 Solid, although not stellar. As I progress into my 30s I need to watch my intake of alcohol, minerals and vitamins, and especially water. I remain moderately active (running after a 1 year old helps to keep up my daily levels of informal movement) and try to get to the gym once or twice every 10 days. I have felt well this year overall, and bounced back really quickly from my first pregnancy in terms of weight and shape. I was at my ideal weight (58kg) even during the first few months of my second pregnancy and while I'm realistic that I may not have exactly the same experience the second time around, I am also not worried about recovering my figure after baby 2. So, a score of 56/80 or 70%. A resounding B grade for 2012-2013. I intend to achieve an A score (upwards of 80 per cent) this time next year! I have not allocated a mark to my spiritual growth and exploration of the last 12 months. But I do think this has seen an uptick in the last month as I have done some more thinking about what I attract into my life, and how. I have recently created my own vision board and will be happy to see some of these images becoming my reality as the next year unfolds. Here's to a new year of living magically. HoneyChild *A note on this - I received more clarity on what the blockage is the next day, my birthday. It is that I believe I have to work hard to have enough or a lot of money. I need to separate the two. I work hard for job satisfaction and a feeling of achievement and pride. This has nothing to do with how much money I have. Money comes easily and frequently, and does not have to be linked to how much or how little I work!

Mighty May

At last. I have the hugest work project of my career - ever! - behind me. Last night at 11pm I sent the client the final outstanding report document and he congratulated me on a job well done today. The campaign has caused me over a year of stress, largely due to my own fear of failure, and I have had to navigate some very difficult questions about my delivery. But I’ve finished strong, and give myself about an 8/10 for the way I’ve handled the last leg of the contract. I can now finally start focusing on the rest of my business and bringing in new accounts without this project hanging over me like a black cloud. There were many learnings and honestly I bit off way more than I could chew, was irresponsible with my resourcing and ignorant about how taxing it would be to juggle the demands of the campaign with pregnancy and a new baby. It’s cost me a lot of extra time and money in a variety of ways. On some level it’s also cost me my productivity and peace of mind in other areas of my life, not to mention the freedom to tackle new work challenges. Guilt and fear are silent killers. But it’s been a valuable experience and I will not make the same mistakes again. Over the last three weeks I’ve drawn strength from my angels and in particular from the memory of my grandmother. When she died last year, I wanted to remember her diligence as a quality to emulate. And diligence has helped me through the urge to procrastinate with the final elements of this massive job. I give thanks for this help and am ready to move on with my business – as F says, this is going to be Mighty May! I am really feeling driven and more able to focus on my work again, after a year of pregnancy and breastfeeding-related baby brain. I am more myself and I'm hugely grateful to be a work-from-home cum stay-at-home mom. It is a privilege to have help in the mornings, work a half day and then to be able to spend every afternoon with my little boy. While it’s a stretch a lot of the time and I don’t always get the balance right, for now the balance is as good as I believe it can be. However in October I will be on maternity leave again, and I need to build some fat into my business aggressively for the next five months. I am absolutely thrilled to be expecting a little girl and at 17 weeks along I am enjoying the energy of the second trimester. But the bottom line is that I will need to be much more realistic about how I approach my work-family balance with baby two than I was the first time around. My lack of experience was partially the reason I found myself in such a mess with the project I’ve now finally completed. So with Awful April behind me, and with the rest of the year feeling full of possibility and hope, I am officially wiping the slate clean and saying hey, Mighty May – let’s go. HoneyChild

Crunch

I have been given ten days to meet the biggest deadline of my career. I am so grateful and feel excited...

The Grid - more thoughts

I realised with some pleasure yesterday evening that one of my most natural meditative states is actually when I am singing. I used to do so much of it, and enjoyed it a lot when I was younger. Even these days, I find myself singing unconsciously and without any concerted effort - to my baby, in the car...It is never a chore, nor is it closely linked to my work or other interests. It's a good starting point for me as I commit to tapping into the grid regularly, for a few minutes every day or two. Dona Nobis Pacem has been on my mind... HoneyChild

The Grid

Quick thought for the day: I need to tap back into the grid. I can't do this all by sheer will, relying only on my own emotional, physical, mental power. It's too much to carry by myself. But I can draw strength, peace, inspiration and joy from the grid. And I can access this through a commitment to getting outdoors and to writing. Regularly - every day or two, for a just a few minutes is enough. I'm tapping back in now. HoneyChild

September update

I have not had a chance to journal for three months, and I’ve missed it. Our baby boy is incredible - angelic, happy, beautiful. He is also tiny, almost entirely dependent on me and often exhausting. We are so in love, and so overwhelmed at times. I have hired a nanny to help me three days a week as of yesterday because I have to start doing some work part time. So here I am, down the road at a coffee shop, checking my phone every five minutes and missing him. Not doing any work. But I decided that doing some thinking about myself and where I’m at was important work to start with. I am 30, a mother and a wife – a woman suddenly. I have major responsibilities. I need to focus with all my might on these. I need to keep my marriage whole – it feels like some hairline cracks are forming. Motherhood can be all consuming, and the early days are so challenging that I have tended to neglect R, snap at him, and generally get lazy about being a good partner in recent months. We have fought and made up, and decided we need to be gentle with one another. My body has bounced back well from the pregnancy, and I quickly went down to close to my pre-baby weight without any effort. I am lucky, but I cannot take this for granted if I want to keep my health. I have started doing some very light exercise again, which I am enjoying – a good reminder of how much I need endorphins in my system. I need to watch my caffeine intake. Two cups of coffee a day is plenty – but I’m tending to use it as a crutch and drink more to get through the tired mornings. I need to muster up every ounce of diligence and drive within me and get cracking with a lot of client work this month if I am to draw a salary in October. I have managed to cover my maternity leave for three months, but I have put important clients on the back burner for way too long and their patience will soon wear thin. September is a month of hard graft - make no mistake. I need to set myself up for the rest of the year now, or face some serious repercussions. So, in emulation of my gran’s work ethic and discipline, my nose is officially to the grindstone. HoneyChild

Baby time

Looking back at my post of the beginning of this month, I realise how much more perspective I have on things now. Some things have fallen off the radar - work and exams have taken a back seat. Some things have fallen into my lap - a reasonably good and reliable helper, for one. Most other admin has fallen into place - from my nursery decor and baby shower to 30th birthday party planning for friends and getting our home in good order. Most important of all, my baby quietly turned himself around in the midst of my panic about him being breech, and with May now virtually behind us he will indeed be a June baby, all by himself. I am developing a sense of his nature already. I experience him as a peaceful, easy child who is sensitive to the needs of others. We will see how accurate that is when he arrives but I can't help believing he is a special little boy. I've fallen deeply in love with him, and I am more emotional and ecstatic with every passing day in anticipation of his arrival. HoneyChild