Crunch

I have been given ten days to meet the biggest deadline of my career. I am so grateful and feel excited...

The Grid - more thoughts

I realised with some pleasure yesterday evening that one of my most natural meditative states is actually when I am singing. I used to do so much of it, and enjoyed it a lot when I was younger. Even these days, I find myself singing unconsciously and without any concerted effort - to my baby, in the car...It is never a chore, nor is it closely linked to my work or other interests. It's a good starting point for me as I commit to tapping into the grid regularly, for a few minutes every day or two. Dona Nobis Pacem has been on my mind... HoneyChild

The Grid

Quick thought for the day: I need to tap back into the grid. I can't do this all by sheer will, relying only on my own emotional, physical, mental power. It's too much to carry by myself. But I can draw strength, peace, inspiration and joy from the grid. And I can access this through a commitment to getting outdoors and to writing. Regularly - every day or two, for a just a few minutes is enough. I'm tapping back in now. HoneyChild

September update

I have not had a chance to journal for three months, and I’ve missed it. Our baby boy is incredible - angelic, happy, beautiful. He is also tiny, almost entirely dependent on me and often exhausting. We are so in love, and so overwhelmed at times. I have hired a nanny to help me three days a week as of yesterday because I have to start doing some work part time. So here I am, down the road at a coffee shop, checking my phone every five minutes and missing him. Not doing any work. But I decided that doing some thinking about myself and where I’m at was important work to start with. I am 30, a mother and a wife – a woman suddenly. I have major responsibilities. I need to focus with all my might on these. I need to keep my marriage whole – it feels like some hairline cracks are forming. Motherhood can be all consuming, and the early days are so challenging that I have tended to neglect R, snap at him, and generally get lazy about being a good partner in recent months. We have fought and made up, and decided we need to be gentle with one another. My body has bounced back well from the pregnancy, and I quickly went down to close to my pre-baby weight without any effort. I am lucky, but I cannot take this for granted if I want to keep my health. I have started doing some very light exercise again, which I am enjoying – a good reminder of how much I need endorphins in my system. I need to watch my caffeine intake. Two cups of coffee a day is plenty – but I’m tending to use it as a crutch and drink more to get through the tired mornings. I need to muster up every ounce of diligence and drive within me and get cracking with a lot of client work this month if I am to draw a salary in October. I have managed to cover my maternity leave for three months, but I have put important clients on the back burner for way too long and their patience will soon wear thin. September is a month of hard graft - make no mistake. I need to set myself up for the rest of the year now, or face some serious repercussions. So, in emulation of my gran’s work ethic and discipline, my nose is officially to the grindstone. HoneyChild

Baby time

Looking back at my post of the beginning of this month, I realise how much more perspective I have on things now. Some things have fallen off the radar - work and exams have taken a back seat. Some things have fallen into my lap - a reasonably good and reliable helper, for one. Most other admin has fallen into place - from my nursery decor and baby shower to 30th birthday party planning for friends and getting our home in good order. Most important of all, my baby quietly turned himself around in the midst of my panic about him being breech, and with May now virtually behind us he will indeed be a June baby, all by himself. I am developing a sense of his nature already. I experience him as a peaceful, easy child who is sensitive to the needs of others. We will see how accurate that is when he arrives but I can't help believing he is a special little boy. I've fallen deeply in love with him, and I am more emotional and ecstatic with every passing day in anticipation of his arrival. HoneyChild

May - trying not to go mad

I seem to be in admin hell at the moment. There’s really no other way to describe it. The pressures of buying a new car, hiring and firing domestic staff (number 7 today), setting up a nursery and sourcing all the baby equipment we need have been substantial - all while trying to work full time, meet my Unisa deadlines and get through the third trimester of my pregnancy. Those demands, coupled with R’s work travels and an unexpected week away from home for me around my gran’s death, have made the whole of April a battle to keep my head above water. I really am trying not to let it all get the better of me, but I am spread very thin at the moment. I’m upset that the baby is still breech, and while I know I need to remain philosophical about it and accept that he’s doing what’s right for him, I am anxious about having a C-section earlier than my original due date. I have requested a deferment of my first semester Unisa exams in light of this, although this is going to add stress to my life later in the year. I am massively behind with some of my client work, and am just praying that they are understanding of the position I’m in – I have drafted an action plan to get through the most important tasks by the end of May and now need to stick with this. In the face of these strains, I know I need to remember to be grateful for all the happiness and abundance in my life as well. The baby appears to be healthy and I have had an easy and comfortable pregnancy, in spite of him being the “wrong” way around now towards the end; I have a good doctor monitoring me and trust his recommendation on how best to deal with the complication; I have a wonderful partner in R who can provide a great deal of support to me if would just ask for it; my personal finances are in good shape to cover my maternity leave, and as a family we are also very well set up for the immediate and long-term future – money is no longer a worry. The hassle and commitment of buying a new car have paid off, and I now have a safe, smart and affordable vehicle which I will feel proud to drive; the sale of my old car to F was relatively painless; I am fortunate to have the option of a vast, affordable workforce of women who can help me with my housekeeping and childcare – I need to wait for the right helper to come along, and to trust my instinct on people in light of starting a family; I do not need to fall into the desperation trap and hire the wrong person; my flexible work week allows me time to get through everything I need to do, and my clients have not been giving me any stress - it's mostly self-imposed. I was able to spend two precious last days with my grandmother before she passed away, and to experience a rite of passage around life and death that I will always be grateful for; the support I gave to my mom during those days will also be returned tenfold when she comes to help me with the baby from June; I am so happy to have both my sister and one of my best friends back in Cape Town just as I need a greater support system around me – the bits and pieces of help I have given them have not been difficult for me, and I will be able to count on both of them for lots of assistance when I need it most in the next few months; there is no need to feel anxious around a baby shower, my 30th birthday plans and the 30th celebrations for F and N – all will get done, and it is not my responsibility to make other people happy. Just need to vasbyt – I can do that. HoneyChild

What a man needs

Last night R said the most beautiful thing to me after we made love: 'That's what a man needs'.

He said it without any thought, his eyes still closed as his orgasm came to an end, and for possibly the first time in our six year relationship, I saw his true sexual self in that quiet moment.

When he opened his eyes and came back to me, he thanked me for looking beautiful because it made sex so pleasurable. But I think it was the statement before that was more honest. He wasn't referring to how I looked or what I'd done in particular - it was more just an expression of a male craving for unspoken, unrequested, unilateral release with a sexually attractive woman - any woman?

He came with me on top but I'd gone down on him first, and in an interesting way I felt like I'd been guided by the little boy growing inside me. Weird, but not impossible, given the increased sense of masculine energy I'm experiencing. I have never been so turned on giving head, and while I can't be certain I don't think R has ever enjoyed receiving oral sex quite that much - at least not from me.

I didn't say anything at all after his comment, but I got quite tearful - always a sign (for me) that truth is resonating.

HoneyChild