Loyalty and my inner child

Another challenging, but really good coaching session yesterday. I need to think about having some tough conversations with the people managing me – because my coach feels I am not being allowed to be all that I can be in my job - as much as I love my company - and she believes there are other options for me. Whether I agree with her, and believe as she does, is the hard part to figure out because I am so loyal, and I’ve always trusted that everything will work out ok for me in the end…

Today we examined and questioned the notion of loyalty, and what this means to me. My mom has modelled this for me in her relationship with my father, but sadly this is not a good illustration of healthy loyalty – it is essentially an abusive relationship where loyalty is largely has taken away her power. While the tendency to be loyal is a strong part of my personality, I need to guard against misplaced, unreciprocated or inappropriately fierce loyalty when it comes to certain people and organisations.

We also discussed my inner child, and my need for nurturing, affirmation and protection from the outside world. I need to be able to take care of myself fully, and it’s going to take a little recalibration. Without this, I can never operate at my highest level in any sphere of my life, and it will sabotage my career growth in subtle ways. I need to make sure that before I have my own children, I am operating fully as an adult myself – otherwise I risk transferring all of my needs and wants onto my child.

We’re moving quickly with this coaching process, and I feel like it’s really working well for me – but I do need to check in afterwards and make sure that I don’t make rash decisions while I am still, literally, in process. Journalling, as I have been, has been helpful.


HoneyChild

Life coaching part 2

My second coaching session was a tough one – I have felt shattered for two days. We started talking about how to integrate certain elements of my subordinate ID into my primary ID. In a nut shell, I need to acknowledge some more of the male (rather than just the ‘nice girl’) characteristics from the hidden part of my consciousness and allow them to be acceptable responses to my environment, particularly work and career-related factors.

Once I can do this, the way I show up in my other relationships, like the one with my dad, should also fall into place naturally. We identified a couple of incidents from my younger life which may have created the edge behind which I learnt (and still tend) to hide my voice in conflict situations, and the aspects about me that are not nice, right, obliging and sweet. I am at my core a nice person – I know that. As an adult, I now have to realise that I will always be considered ‘nice’, even when I need to have a hard conversation, or say no. Difficult conversations are merely a platform for discussing the assumptions and opinions of two or more people. I don’t have to think of them as something to fear anymore! Wow, that will be empowering.

We explored the public and the hidden arenas of my own Johari window, and my homework this week is to think about the other two quadrants - my blind arena and my unknown arena. I also have to imagine what I would do if I could do anything for a day, with no consequences – what do I dream for my life? I'll have to know by next Tuesday, I guess.

HoneyChild

Life coaching part 1

I have just attended the first of five life coaching sessions for which my company has enrolled me. Some really interesting themes emerged during the first hour, and I sense the coaching programme will be a really valuable exercise over the next month so I think it will be useful to record the key insights.

Together with the coach, I’ve identified that I’d like to work on my management and leadership skills and my ability to deal with tough clients confidently, with the overall goal of ramping up the trajectory of my career development.

The most fascinating insight which came up in this first session was that I am experiencing a conflict around my role in my job, my family and the world in general. I am not being true to my essence, which is actually more masculine than traditionally feminine (regardless of the fact that I am a feminine woman).

While I resonate more naturally with men, and their way of doing business, I have a tendency to sugarcoat my directives and feedback for the sake of not hurting anyone. This is not serving me as well as it could, and if I am not coming across as authentic, or in balance with my masculine and feminine sides, I will never be able to fulfil my potential as a really good leader - and I will hold myself back in my career. Mastering this will also help me to be more confident in my interaction with difficult clients, and is something that we’ll work on for the next few weeks.

Another really interesting theory that we touched on is that the role you play in your family very much determines how you show up in your other relationships and in your working life. I can already see the links. I love being the favoured, the special, the best, the golden girl. I am the favourite daughter, the one big love, the best friend by a country mile, the most outstanding candidate, the highest, fastest achieving employee. That is always what I want to be. And yet I also want to be the nicest, sweetest, most obliging good girl who never hurts anyone. Can I be both? Not sure about that…

More next week.

HoneyChild

Being a better wife

It’s been nearly a year since I got married and recently I’ve been feeling different about my role as a married woman. For one, I am increasingly thinking about how to be a better daughter/sister-in-law to R’s family. I know I haven’t necessarily been great at this – especially with them so far away – and I know I need to make an effort to keep in more regular contact with them. Having not given much time to this in the past, I think I’ve made improvements recently, and our trip away together was a great success, bringing us closer. I hope to keep up the good relationship I’ve built with them.

And I suppose I’m also striving to be a better wife. I certainly wasn’t a perfect one to start with, and we had a rocky few months earlier this year which were mostly due to the lack of responsibility I was taking for myself. Maybe I’m growing up, because I suddenly feel quite removed from and disappointed by the ‘old’ me. I feel that I’m improving in this area, and being much more accountable to my husband.

Nevertheless, we did have a bad argument while we were on holiday about another woman. Too many glasses of wine, and my jealously reared its head with nasty results. How much leeway do we give one another around other men and women? Surely it’s natural to have attractions and flirtations with other people during the course of one’s marriage? But surely it’s also ok to put my foot down when I feel it’s gone too far on his part? And then to manage my own actions around this as well?

I need to learn to express myself less emotionally, that’s for sure. But I also grew up in a family where that wasn’t the case. I was told as a young girl not to tolerate any philandering by my husband – and I know there were plenty of underlying reasons for this advice on my mom’s part – but where is the line?

Pondering all of this.

HoneyChild

Why holidays help

I recently returned home from an incredible holiday in Europe, and it’s been an eye-opener to realise that an extended break from home, work and your normal routine is essential every now and then. Not only do I feel relaxed, rested and ready to take on the rest of the year with energy, I feel that my trip required me to challenge different aspects of myself which naturally become lazy when you are stuck in a familiar routine.

Communicating with people who speak different languages, eating new food and seeing places I’d - at a maximum – only ever read about was so stimulating. Spending time with my husband and his family who I don’t see often put into a different perspective what’s really important to me.

What was most amusing, and comforting, to note was that a couple of weeks away from the real world doesn’t make a scrap of difference in the long term to your colleagues, your friends, or anyone else who you think may struggle without you. So I’m resolving to take holidays more often, and not to feel guilty about doing it! You only live once, and the occasional break helps you perform better in the long run.

HoneyChild

Friday High Five

I haven't done one of these in a while. Here goes...

Blonde restaurant, Gardens - we had a fantastic evening here with friends - extensive menu, cool bar and fun vibe. Their half price winter special also makes it great value.




White boy vests - stolen from my husband's cupboard.


Thanks celebforyou.com for this image of Scarlett Jo rocking one (or two?).


Caprice - I think Cape Town's most common cause of a Monday hangover deserves a big up for their Naughty Boy Auction last Sunday. The chicks went mad and they raised R16000 for charity in the name of Women's Day.


Check out the photos here


Lady Gaga Dance in the Dark - I am obsessed with this 80s-inpired track at the moment.




Montpellier winery in Tulbagh - we popped in here to look at the beautiful chapel on the farm and ended up staying for a glass of Theo's Synchrony (delicious Gewurztraminer-Chenin blend) with the very hospitable owner.



Really well worth a visit if you're in the area.


Happy Friday xxx
HoneyChild

Bring on my holiday

I have had a ‘difficult’ two weeks. Not in the sense that I’ve experienced non-stop stress at a constant level (I’ve actually had plenty of lulls in my work rhythm), but rather that there’s been a lot of miscommunication and hurry-up-and-wait from my clients, and each day has been punctuated by a few extremely pressurised periods! I need a holiday badly, I’ve realised - I haven’t had a decent break since my honeymoon because of all the time getting married ate out of my leave last year.

I suppose that it’s at times like these that one needs to keep breathing, drive safely and not let little things get to you. I can handle that. I can. Looking forward to my two week break at the beginning of September.


HoneyChild