May - trying not to go mad

I seem to be in admin hell at the moment. There’s really no other way to describe it. The pressures of buying a new car, hiring and firing domestic staff (number 7 today), setting up a nursery and sourcing all the baby equipment we need have been substantial - all while trying to work full time, meet my Unisa deadlines and get through the third trimester of my pregnancy. Those demands, coupled with R’s work travels and an unexpected week away from home for me around my gran’s death, have made the whole of April a battle to keep my head above water. I really am trying not to let it all get the better of me, but I am spread very thin at the moment. I’m upset that the baby is still breech, and while I know I need to remain philosophical about it and accept that he’s doing what’s right for him, I am anxious about having a C-section earlier than my original due date. I have requested a deferment of my first semester Unisa exams in light of this, although this is going to add stress to my life later in the year. I am massively behind with some of my client work, and am just praying that they are understanding of the position I’m in – I have drafted an action plan to get through the most important tasks by the end of May and now need to stick with this. In the face of these strains, I know I need to remember to be grateful for all the happiness and abundance in my life as well. The baby appears to be healthy and I have had an easy and comfortable pregnancy, in spite of him being the “wrong” way around now towards the end; I have a good doctor monitoring me and trust his recommendation on how best to deal with the complication; I have a wonderful partner in R who can provide a great deal of support to me if would just ask for it; my personal finances are in good shape to cover my maternity leave, and as a family we are also very well set up for the immediate and long-term future – money is no longer a worry. The hassle and commitment of buying a new car have paid off, and I now have a safe, smart and affordable vehicle which I will feel proud to drive; the sale of my old car to F was relatively painless; I am fortunate to have the option of a vast, affordable workforce of women who can help me with my housekeeping and childcare – I need to wait for the right helper to come along, and to trust my instinct on people in light of starting a family; I do not need to fall into the desperation trap and hire the wrong person; my flexible work week allows me time to get through everything I need to do, and my clients have not been giving me any stress - it's mostly self-imposed. I was able to spend two precious last days with my grandmother before she passed away, and to experience a rite of passage around life and death that I will always be grateful for; the support I gave to my mom during those days will also be returned tenfold when she comes to help me with the baby from June; I am so happy to have both my sister and one of my best friends back in Cape Town just as I need a greater support system around me – the bits and pieces of help I have given them have not been difficult for me, and I will be able to count on both of them for lots of assistance when I need it most in the next few months; there is no need to feel anxious around a baby shower, my 30th birthday plans and the 30th celebrations for F and N – all will get done, and it is not my responsibility to make other people happy. Just need to vasbyt – I can do that. HoneyChild

Ok I'm back

I took a break from keeping an online journal and I really missed it! Since I last wrote I've started my own business, which has been challenging and awesome. I love being my own boss. I love being in control of my time. I love how I've managed to leverage and really increase my earning power.

But I do get a little lonely! I miss having colleagues to talk to, and I miss having someone to share the perennial business owner's fear of not knowing where the next paycheck will come from. I miss being part of something bigger. Shit, I missed going to the Loeries this last weekend :-)

Overall, it's definitely been a fantastic move for me. I'm doing daily editorial writing in addition to my PR work, and that is something I really enjoy and have realised I should do more. A good learning.

I am also far more relaxed - like deeply, in my bones and muscles, relaxed. The stress of agency life takes a very physical toll over time, and it's never been more clear to me. When I look in the mirror and I don't see lines on my face, shadows under my eyes, or feel tension in my chest and knots in my stomach every morning, I know it's because of my significant lifestyle change. And they say starting a business is stressful! It's actually been easier, I've found.

I feel ready for a child. Having gone off the pill at the end of May, my body is totally, totally ready. So calling that baby in! I'm much more sexually awake as well. I always thought I was pretty normal in that department, but my sexuality is very charged right now. Not sure how well that's playing out with R. A little concerned that our historically mis-matched sex drives are starting to more out of sync than ever. But I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Feels good to be writing about this stuff again. Helpful.

HoneyChild

Bring on my holiday

I have had a ‘difficult’ two weeks. Not in the sense that I’ve experienced non-stop stress at a constant level (I’ve actually had plenty of lulls in my work rhythm), but rather that there’s been a lot of miscommunication and hurry-up-and-wait from my clients, and each day has been punctuated by a few extremely pressurised periods! I need a holiday badly, I’ve realised - I haven’t had a decent break since my honeymoon because of all the time getting married ate out of my leave last year.

I suppose that it’s at times like these that one needs to keep breathing, drive safely and not let little things get to you. I can handle that. I can. Looking forward to my two week break at the beginning of September.


HoneyChild