May - trying not to go mad

I seem to be in admin hell at the moment. There’s really no other way to describe it. The pressures of buying a new car, hiring and firing domestic staff (number 7 today), setting up a nursery and sourcing all the baby equipment we need have been substantial - all while trying to work full time, meet my Unisa deadlines and get through the third trimester of my pregnancy. Those demands, coupled with R’s work travels and an unexpected week away from home for me around my gran’s death, have made the whole of April a battle to keep my head above water. I really am trying not to let it all get the better of me, but I am spread very thin at the moment. I’m upset that the baby is still breech, and while I know I need to remain philosophical about it and accept that he’s doing what’s right for him, I am anxious about having a C-section earlier than my original due date. I have requested a deferment of my first semester Unisa exams in light of this, although this is going to add stress to my life later in the year. I am massively behind with some of my client work, and am just praying that they are understanding of the position I’m in – I have drafted an action plan to get through the most important tasks by the end of May and now need to stick with this. In the face of these strains, I know I need to remember to be grateful for all the happiness and abundance in my life as well. The baby appears to be healthy and I have had an easy and comfortable pregnancy, in spite of him being the “wrong” way around now towards the end; I have a good doctor monitoring me and trust his recommendation on how best to deal with the complication; I have a wonderful partner in R who can provide a great deal of support to me if would just ask for it; my personal finances are in good shape to cover my maternity leave, and as a family we are also very well set up for the immediate and long-term future – money is no longer a worry. The hassle and commitment of buying a new car have paid off, and I now have a safe, smart and affordable vehicle which I will feel proud to drive; the sale of my old car to F was relatively painless; I am fortunate to have the option of a vast, affordable workforce of women who can help me with my housekeeping and childcare – I need to wait for the right helper to come along, and to trust my instinct on people in light of starting a family; I do not need to fall into the desperation trap and hire the wrong person; my flexible work week allows me time to get through everything I need to do, and my clients have not been giving me any stress - it's mostly self-imposed. I was able to spend two precious last days with my grandmother before she passed away, and to experience a rite of passage around life and death that I will always be grateful for; the support I gave to my mom during those days will also be returned tenfold when she comes to help me with the baby from June; I am so happy to have both my sister and one of my best friends back in Cape Town just as I need a greater support system around me – the bits and pieces of help I have given them have not been difficult for me, and I will be able to count on both of them for lots of assistance when I need it most in the next few months; there is no need to feel anxious around a baby shower, my 30th birthday plans and the 30th celebrations for F and N – all will get done, and it is not my responsibility to make other people happy. Just need to vasbyt – I can do that. HoneyChild

Ready to wind down

I am battling to find the motivation to get through my work at the moment, and have a lot to take care of before next weekend (Friday the 16th is a public holiday), when most of my clients will be shutting down for Christmas. I've had a real dip in energy in the last week, with low blood pressure and feeling a bit anaemic. Think it's a pregnancy, second trimester thing, but I haven't been on top form.

I actually think I need a holiday. In some ways, while this year has been less stressful and given me more free time, it's also been very tiring. My career change has taken its toll on me whether I notice it or not day-to-day. And I am adapting to the idea of being a mother, not to mention the physical strain of pregnancy. R has been incredibly busy at work as well, which is a good thing, but he is exhausted. He is overseas for nearly two weeks at the moment, and he is going to be finished when he comes back.

I am looking forward to a break and hope to start the new year with a burst of renewed energy as I hit what is touted as the 'easier' part of my pregnancy, which I am excited about. We are ecstatic that baby is growing healthily, and that we are going to be having a boy. Confirmation of the sex last week really validated my instincts about little bean, who has 'felt' like a boy since day one.

Definite signs of a baby bump, although my weight is holding steady around the 60.5-61 kg mark. Starting to let go of the body change issues, which feels good. I am excited to be a mom!


HoneyChild

First trimester concerns

I've been busy over the last week, including the weekend, trying to juggle a lot of client work, learning for Wednesday's exam, planning R's birthday party this weekend and preparing for the arrival of both of our families. We've also had quite a lot of social engagements thrown in, and with three of my close friends needing extra attention for various reasons at the moment, there's plenty on the go.

Ordinarily I think I would be taking most of that in my stride, but I've been feeling so pap and lethargic during the first trimester that I am battling a bit. I've put off my second exam (which I was supposed to write on Friday in the middle of the family's arrival) until January, which has helped to make it all seem a bit more manageable. But I'm fighting hard not to feel overwhelmed.

I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and find some time for exercise as well, because as hard as it is to motivate myself it really does make me look at things differently when I get some fresh air and the heart pumping as often as possible.

Honestly I am also feeling a bit down about my body starting to change shape. I have not gained weight yet but my tummy is definitely rounder and my waist thicker now that i'm into week ten. While the untrained eye wouldn't notice, I can feel the difference and I am not feeling very sexy. Maybe it will change when I actually have a proper bump, rather than just looking bloated?! I know I should be embracing this as a beautiful and natural part of pregnancy. But it's hard, and it's also not something I can share with anyone else without sounding terribly superficial and vain, with all my priorities out of whack. I have set myself healthy but low weight gain targets throughout the nine months, which I really hope I can stick to. It's tempting to get very competitive with other 'hot' moms, and I need to watch that.

It just occurred to me that maybe a little depression is part of the hormonal shift of pregnancy. Will look into that. I hope that the second trimester, with the return of energy I am expecting and wishing for, also brings some more positive feelings for me.

HoneyChild

New structure for November

I'm looking forward to a new month starting tomorrow. I feel it will mark the end of a rather tired, listless and unproductive October. I have to remember to be gentle with myself, and to cut myself a bit of slack during the first trimester. But honestly I'm sick of waking up and being dead to the world in the morning, slobbing around in my pyjamas until late, not eating properly and exercising too little.

I need to crank it from tomorrow with client work and law studies - I've got two papers coming up next week and I have hardly done a thing. I also need to do some new business proposals and ensure I have business lined up for December into February. So I'm going to need to inject some energy boosting habits into my daily regimen.

I've been reading some inspirational health and fitness blogs over the last week, and I feel motivated to get going with a good eating regime, a low impact exercise routine and trying to cut back a little on my sleeping hours. I believe that the 10 hours on average that I am sleeping a night is actually making me more lethargic than a normal 8 hours, and I need to remind myself that I can easily have a rest at midday if I need one.

So, tomorrow morning I aim to be up before 7, try to gulp down a little fruit if I can stomach it, a cup of coffee and water, then get walking for 20 minutes and do some lunges, squats, pushups and ab work before hitting the shower. I want to be at my desk by 8am, crank out a press release by 9am, sort out my emails and hit the phones for a while, and start on a campaign plan before lunch. Between 12-1pm I'll rest if necessary, then will do a little early afternoon study session for an hour, finish my campaign plan and break by 5pm. Study again from 5:30-7:30pm, grab some supper then enjoy a late movie. Aim to be asleep by midnight, then up and at 'em again by 8am on Wednesday.

I know I can do this - just need some more structure in November.

HoneyChild

End of September

With September drawing to a close I can look back at the month with some satisfaction. I've definitely had wobbles and worries about work prospects, with not a lot of client action this month. But it's the first time in seven months since starting my company that I've had that concern, and this week I've uncovered opportunities with three or four new clients from October. So feeling in better spirits about that.

I'm going to try not to make this a blog about work though - I have a separate journal for that. But when you work for yourself, it's particularly hard to compartmentalise success in that area as a distinct entity from your general state of being. That reminds me of a channelling I had a few months ago. The message was to try to integrate all aspects of myself, not to categorise and box too much. Because when you are fully 'integrated', you can experience your deepest joy and satisfaction, apparently! Will give that a bash in October :-)

Am really looking forward to having F visiting me from Australia over the weekend. She has been one of my best and closest friends for 10 years, and although we've had our ups and downs, she has been an important part of my adult life - and I hers. I've missed her over the last couple of years, and immmensely so with her living across the globe over the past 18 months. She has been through much heartache in recent weeks and I hope I can help her heal in the way that girlfriends, wine and a few laughs are so able to do, somehow.

All quiet on the baby front. Trying not to feel anxious about that. I'll know this weekend whether the pregnancy efforts for the last month have been successful - but somehow I think and feel... not. Calling in my child still, and staying positive and relaxed about things in that department as far as possible. (Again - the mention of a 'department' - must watch that, and integrate a little more perhaps...)

HoneyChild

Bring on my holiday

I have had a ‘difficult’ two weeks. Not in the sense that I’ve experienced non-stop stress at a constant level (I’ve actually had plenty of lulls in my work rhythm), but rather that there’s been a lot of miscommunication and hurry-up-and-wait from my clients, and each day has been punctuated by a few extremely pressurised periods! I need a holiday badly, I’ve realised - I haven’t had a decent break since my honeymoon because of all the time getting married ate out of my leave last year.

I suppose that it’s at times like these that one needs to keep breathing, drive safely and not let little things get to you. I can handle that. I can. Looking forward to my two week break at the beginning of September.


HoneyChild