February check in

Mommy hormones are on the increase! I'm finding I'm so connected to kids in general and particularly to my little one, who I felt kicking for the first time this morning. At 21 weeks, he is right on schedule, as he has been in all other areas of his development. I am so thankful for this. Fainted in Woolworths the other day (due to low blood pressure or low blood sugar or the very hot day?) and that was a wake up call in terms of really remembering to take care of my health and go easy on my body for the next four months of pregnancy. I'm 2-2.5 kilos up in weight (bearing in mind I lost some at the beginning - that increase is relative to my lowest weight) and am growing a nice bump now. Feels good! Wish I could do a little more exercise without feeling wobbly, but ok for now.

Business-wise new prospects are shaping up nicely and I'm doing good work for my clients - I've had some very nice feedback from them recently. Just need to maintain momentum, not get overwhelmed, and make sure I bill well into May, with some new retainers set up to kick off from September after my maternity break.

I'm worried about R's work pressures and health issues at the moment. He's been in a world of pain following a botched root canal and subsequent tooth extraction, and his back story remains the same. While we're both working hard, he's really burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all his clients happy. I know and appreciate that he's doing this for our family's benefit, but need to find a way to support him meaningfully. I'm incredibly horny at the moment (all the boy hormones floating around in my system?!) but sex is back off track unfortunately. I am trying not to put pressure on him. So hard though, and I know he's stressing about it too. Maybe a weekend away for an early Valentine's treat will balance things out a bit...

Financially I'm feeling the pinch a little but am confident I can increase my salary from March and need to be ok with slow cash flow sometimes - always a downside of owning your own business.

Friendships are feeling good across the board. I had time to connect again with F and J during their overlapping visits last month. The possibility of them both relocating home to SA and specifically CT makes me very happy. It will be wonderful to have J nearby as a close friend who's also a mom. It may make my transition into motherhood that much easier from a social point of view, and also because she'll be happy to give me honest, non-judgmental advice. N and other J remain close and I am relieved that N seems to be surfacing from the hellish depths she's experienced emotionally and spiritually since her incident in India in 2010. I am tremendously lucky to have these strong, smart women in my life and I feel that the decision to wait it out in CT until all my friends started drifting back here has been justified!
On the F note, I do need to make sure I don't get too sucked in to the need to fix her - she must live her life and fight her own battles when she gets back from Aus. I am not prepared to spiral down into her story as I have in the past.

I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle - some great spiritual food for thought which I have enjoyed getting my teeth into. Hope this sets the tone for my development and growth on this front for the rest of the year...

HoneyChild

Ready to wind down

I am battling to find the motivation to get through my work at the moment, and have a lot to take care of before next weekend (Friday the 16th is a public holiday), when most of my clients will be shutting down for Christmas. I've had a real dip in energy in the last week, with low blood pressure and feeling a bit anaemic. Think it's a pregnancy, second trimester thing, but I haven't been on top form.

I actually think I need a holiday. In some ways, while this year has been less stressful and given me more free time, it's also been very tiring. My career change has taken its toll on me whether I notice it or not day-to-day. And I am adapting to the idea of being a mother, not to mention the physical strain of pregnancy. R has been incredibly busy at work as well, which is a good thing, but he is exhausted. He is overseas for nearly two weeks at the moment, and he is going to be finished when he comes back.

I am looking forward to a break and hope to start the new year with a burst of renewed energy as I hit what is touted as the 'easier' part of my pregnancy, which I am excited about. We are ecstatic that baby is growing healthily, and that we are going to be having a boy. Confirmation of the sex last week really validated my instincts about little bean, who has 'felt' like a boy since day one.

Definite signs of a baby bump, although my weight is holding steady around the 60.5-61 kg mark. Starting to let go of the body change issues, which feels good. I am excited to be a mom!


HoneyChild

Ok I'm back

I took a break from keeping an online journal and I really missed it! Since I last wrote I've started my own business, which has been challenging and awesome. I love being my own boss. I love being in control of my time. I love how I've managed to leverage and really increase my earning power.

But I do get a little lonely! I miss having colleagues to talk to, and I miss having someone to share the perennial business owner's fear of not knowing where the next paycheck will come from. I miss being part of something bigger. Shit, I missed going to the Loeries this last weekend :-)

Overall, it's definitely been a fantastic move for me. I'm doing daily editorial writing in addition to my PR work, and that is something I really enjoy and have realised I should do more. A good learning.

I am also far more relaxed - like deeply, in my bones and muscles, relaxed. The stress of agency life takes a very physical toll over time, and it's never been more clear to me. When I look in the mirror and I don't see lines on my face, shadows under my eyes, or feel tension in my chest and knots in my stomach every morning, I know it's because of my significant lifestyle change. And they say starting a business is stressful! It's actually been easier, I've found.

I feel ready for a child. Having gone off the pill at the end of May, my body is totally, totally ready. So calling that baby in! I'm much more sexually awake as well. I always thought I was pretty normal in that department, but my sexuality is very charged right now. Not sure how well that's playing out with R. A little concerned that our historically mis-matched sex drives are starting to more out of sync than ever. But I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Feels good to be writing about this stuff again. Helpful.

HoneyChild

The end of an era

It feels like the end of a mini-era socially at work at the moment. Several of the people who I have been close to have just resigned or are in the process of leaving for greener pastures at the moment. I must say, it makes it easier for me to be leaving at the end of the month too.

Agency life is like that - the cycles are so quick. I'll never forget a former colleague telling me how depressing it was to watch friend after friend resign in quick succession, just because their respectable two year window for working at the company was up. I remember swearing to myself that I wouldn't put myself through that - and wow, from that perspective I'm saying goodbye just in time. I hope to keep in touch with the amazing friends I've made in this job.

I also marvel at how terrible agencies tend to be at retaining staff. Their really good staff included. Surely the system is fundamentally flawed. Oh well, it's not my problem any more - I am relieved to be my own boss from now on.

I'll look back with great fondness, nothing more, nothing less.

HoneyChild

Planning for new beginnings - business and baby

I’ve handed in my resignation so my work on building my own client base officially starts today. I’ve got some great leads, but am so busy with my current work load that I’m going to have to be really disciplined about carving out time to get my own business planning done. Anyway, it’s all good. Feeling competent, productive and valuable – maybe because I’m taking charge of my own work. And while I’m still working hard on my current clients, I am feeling more detached emotionally from the day-to-day strains of client service. I hope that lasts.

Another priority for me at the moment is getting my physical health geared to having a baby sometime soon. Maybe it starts with eating more fruit and veg – as simple as that – and building from there. I am feeling comfortable in my body, and am maintaining my weight without much exercise or putting any effort into what I’m consuming. So I’m really quite relaxed at the moment, but need to ensure that I am at peak nutritional health over the next few months.


HoneyChild

January check-in

Woohoo – it’s all happening!

Productivity, creativity, excitement, inspiration, abundance. January’s turning out to be a good month, and an excellent beginning to what I’m sure will be a very, very good year for me. Relationships on track. Body feeling good. Finances sorting themselves out. Career poised for change and development. And I believe it’s because I’ve tuned back into my intuition – more than I was last year, at least. So I’m making good decisions and it feels like I’m really operating on a higher frequency. Long may it last.

HoneyChild

Big shifts

Since I returned from the Christmas break I’ve decided to change the structure of my career radically and start working for myself this year. It’s the natural evolution of all the thinking and soul searching and prospecting I did in 2010, and it’s all felt relatively easy and synchronous by comparison. I’ve already told my company and started my planning in the space of a few days. Amazing how fast it’s all happened – but it’s been a long time coming and I’m totally ready…like an autumn leaf…

I’ve preferred to contain all of that business-related thinking in a separate journal. It’s been useful to write with pen and ink as I formulate my ideas and go through quite a challenging, emotional process, and more appropriate to keep in entirely confidential.

I’m feeling inspired, and excited – my only wobble thus far has been telling my dad and not feeling as supported by him in my decision as I would have liked. But if I believe in myself and my own ability, others will too. And I’ve had nothing but love, support and enthusiasm from the handful of other people who know my news.

So here’s to a fruitful 2011…bring it.

HoneyChild

Preparing to float away

In the last two weeks I've felt a very definite shift in the way I relate to my employers and clients. It's like I've taken an emotional leap backwards, away from the fire of over-commitment and the stress associated with that. I can liken it to the metaphor that once came up in a reading for me about letting go and saying goodbye to someone who I loved, but who I could not have a functional relationship with.

The image is that of a leaf slowly changing its colours at autumn time, and as winter and the end of the leaf's life cycle on the tree approaches, it gradually separates itself from the branch until it can gently drop off and float away. There is no great pain or wrench of misery, which you may feel when you're still holding on tightly to something. It is just an easy, natural transition. This is what the reading was urging me to wait for when it came to leaving an important love interest behind. But the metaphor has stuck with me over the years and I think it accurately describes what I am now feeling around my current work relationships. I am in no rush, but I am preparing to move on. And that is the difference between the scenario in June, when I wasn't yet quite ready, and now.

Interesting opportunities are showing themselves to me and I am directing energy towards them.

HoneyChild

Playing the game

Two more coaching sessions down since I last wrote and I really am feeling different. Somehow I seem to be operating more and more easily from the place of an adult, rather than a child, and it’s showed up in how I’ve managed to handle some sticky work conversations around salary in the last week. The result? I’ve got a significant increase.

But I’ve also been left with the feeling that I’m tired of asking. The little child in me, the hole that needs to be nurtured by outside affirmation will always try to be filled up. But the adult version of me which is emerging is becoming more able to satisfy my own wants and needs. I need to remember to keep a space between the childish me and the adult me – to acknowledge the child but not let it be my downfall. I am the only person in the world who can look after myself.

In line with this, I have decided to start looking at new work opportunities. I think it will mean redefining my career - creating a position somewhere which meets my wants and needs fully. I need to be respected, supported, recognised and rewarded without asking for these things every six months. And maybe I need to do this in a different kind of organisation from my current work environment. I’m stepping into the game now, and I’m here to play.


HoneyChild

Life coaching part 1

I have just attended the first of five life coaching sessions for which my company has enrolled me. Some really interesting themes emerged during the first hour, and I sense the coaching programme will be a really valuable exercise over the next month so I think it will be useful to record the key insights.

Together with the coach, I’ve identified that I’d like to work on my management and leadership skills and my ability to deal with tough clients confidently, with the overall goal of ramping up the trajectory of my career development.

The most fascinating insight which came up in this first session was that I am experiencing a conflict around my role in my job, my family and the world in general. I am not being true to my essence, which is actually more masculine than traditionally feminine (regardless of the fact that I am a feminine woman).

While I resonate more naturally with men, and their way of doing business, I have a tendency to sugarcoat my directives and feedback for the sake of not hurting anyone. This is not serving me as well as it could, and if I am not coming across as authentic, or in balance with my masculine and feminine sides, I will never be able to fulfil my potential as a really good leader - and I will hold myself back in my career. Mastering this will also help me to be more confident in my interaction with difficult clients, and is something that we’ll work on for the next few weeks.

Another really interesting theory that we touched on is that the role you play in your family very much determines how you show up in your other relationships and in your working life. I can already see the links. I love being the favoured, the special, the best, the golden girl. I am the favourite daughter, the one big love, the best friend by a country mile, the most outstanding candidate, the highest, fastest achieving employee. That is always what I want to be. And yet I also want to be the nicest, sweetest, most obliging good girl who never hurts anyone. Can I be both? Not sure about that…

More next week.

HoneyChild

Offering support

I’m amazed by how much more settled I feel again. Despite being incredibly stretched at work again (after a few less demanding months earlier this year) I feel totally at peace in the heart of the chaos. I have been rewarded for my decision to stay; my instinct was correct, and that has made me feel confident again.

Now to refocus on other areas of my life, I guess. I’m concerned about some of the people in my life who I’m closest to – my husband and my best friend are both going through a really tough time. I wonder how best to support them. I think I could do more, so am looking for some insight in that regard. I'll keep my eyes and ears open for a little guidance.

HoneyChild

A call for guidance

Wow, I’m feeling strained. While the focus of last year was deepening my relationship with R and plannning a wedding, so far 2010 seems to have been all about career tension and the back and forth of ‘should I stay or should I go?’. It seems silly to complain because I have great opportunities available to me in whichever direction I choose to move. But I’m finding the whole process - weighing up intense loyalty and the comfort of familiarity with ambition and the need for change - emotionally very draining. I want to be able to satisfy all of those desires in one place.

Looking for some guidance and certainty here, Universe. Please.

HoneyChild

Running better

Checking in with a short and sweet update today. I'm feeling my vibe right now. I think I always feel good during my birthday season - late May to late June - yes, I'm a Gemini (and a fairly typical one at that). Things are working out nicely on all fronts - health, work, relationships, money. I'm sense I'm operating on a much higher level than I was three months ago, and I'm proud of myself because I have made a concerted effort to raise my game and get my shit together. I'm running my life better, having been stagnant for a while.

Lots of excitement in the pipeline socially and hopefully a good new career opportunity.

I'm listening to Florence and the Machine's 'Dog Days are Over'.

HoneyChild

Telling stories

I had lunch yesterday with someone who encouraged me to submit a short story for the SA PEN competition. And I think I’m going to do it. I’ve mentioned before that I loved creative writing when I was younger, but my work now requires me to write very differently. This blog has allowed me to start expressing myself more honestly, but I still miss writing stories. I think I’m ready to give it a bash again.

Now…the decision about what to write. The story has to be 3000-5000 words. I wonder if I’ll get to 1500! I feel excited about the challenge, and look forward to starting the creative process. I think I’ll write about a single day in the life of someone. A day when something important happens.

Any comments or ideas?

HoneyChild

Signs

My grandmother told me that feathers are messages from the angels which protect and guide you. A white feather left for you is a sign that whatever you're thinking or feeling or trying to decide is the right thing.

I received my new job offer yesterday, but the terms of engagement do not amount to what I want. She'd not able to offer me quite enough to make the move worth it for me, and to lose the stability and environment of my current job. I'll counter it for a while, but my heart's not in it. We hosted dinner at home for a dozen work colleagues last night - it was so much fun, and I was reminded that I'm very fortunate to have a social scene like I do at my company. This morning we watched creative work that's come out of the agency in recent weeks. I loved it so much, I cried. Last week our team won industry awards beyond our wildest dreams - I am a member of one of the hottest PR consultancies around. How can I leave all that just to chase the idea of money? The money will come.

I'm sitting at my desk, looking outside at a little white feather which is stuck like glue to the window. I think this is a message to go with my heart, stay for a while.

HoneyChild

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A glimpse from above

Browsing around a book store at lunchtime today, I found myself in the Mind/Body/Soul section (as usual...). And I had a moment of clarity while I was there. I do not want to change my job because I am unhappy at A or because B is much better. I want to change the structure of my job, so that I am more responsible for myself. So that I can do bigger things with my talent. I think that's a natural sign of growing out of one thing and striving to be better. And this little glimpse at my situation from the perspective of my higher self has made me feel peaceful and lighter. I can shape my career, and every aspect of my life, into whatever I want it to be. Glad to be tuning back in to my intuition.

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Taking risks

Moving on is hard. Especially when what you're leaving behind is good, fun, happy. And even moreso when you don't need to move. I'm feeling pulled, not pushed, onto a new career path, and it makes me wish my current job could be enough, could give me enough. But my mom always said you're never totally ready to make the biggest decisions and take the biggest risks that life throws at you. Having a baby, emigrating, or in this case, leaving the security of a well paid job in a great company with growth potential to start a new division of a small start up. But that's what I'm about to do, and it's scary.

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