Crunch

I have been given ten days to meet the biggest deadline of my career. I am so grateful and feel excited...

The Grid - more thoughts

I realised with some pleasure yesterday evening that one of my most natural meditative states is actually when I am singing. I used to do so much of it, and enjoyed it a lot when I was younger. Even these days, I find myself singing unconsciously and without any concerted effort - to my baby, in the car...It is never a chore, nor is it closely linked to my work or other interests. It's a good starting point for me as I commit to tapping into the grid regularly, for a few minutes every day or two. Dona Nobis Pacem has been on my mind... HoneyChild

The Grid

Quick thought for the day: I need to tap back into the grid. I can't do this all by sheer will, relying only on my own emotional, physical, mental power. It's too much to carry by myself. But I can draw strength, peace, inspiration and joy from the grid. And I can access this through a commitment to getting outdoors and to writing. Regularly - every day or two, for a just a few minutes is enough. I'm tapping back in now. HoneyChild

September update

I have not had a chance to journal for three months, and I’ve missed it. Our baby boy is incredible - angelic, happy, beautiful. He is also tiny, almost entirely dependent on me and often exhausting. We are so in love, and so overwhelmed at times. I have hired a nanny to help me three days a week as of yesterday because I have to start doing some work part time. So here I am, down the road at a coffee shop, checking my phone every five minutes and missing him. Not doing any work. But I decided that doing some thinking about myself and where I’m at was important work to start with. I am 30, a mother and a wife – a woman suddenly. I have major responsibilities. I need to focus with all my might on these. I need to keep my marriage whole – it feels like some hairline cracks are forming. Motherhood can be all consuming, and the early days are so challenging that I have tended to neglect R, snap at him, and generally get lazy about being a good partner in recent months. We have fought and made up, and decided we need to be gentle with one another. My body has bounced back well from the pregnancy, and I quickly went down to close to my pre-baby weight without any effort. I am lucky, but I cannot take this for granted if I want to keep my health. I have started doing some very light exercise again, which I am enjoying – a good reminder of how much I need endorphins in my system. I need to watch my caffeine intake. Two cups of coffee a day is plenty – but I’m tending to use it as a crutch and drink more to get through the tired mornings. I need to muster up every ounce of diligence and drive within me and get cracking with a lot of client work this month if I am to draw a salary in October. I have managed to cover my maternity leave for three months, but I have put important clients on the back burner for way too long and their patience will soon wear thin. September is a month of hard graft - make no mistake. I need to set myself up for the rest of the year now, or face some serious repercussions. So, in emulation of my gran’s work ethic and discipline, my nose is officially to the grindstone. HoneyChild

Baby time

Looking back at my post of the beginning of this month, I realise how much more perspective I have on things now. Some things have fallen off the radar - work and exams have taken a back seat. Some things have fallen into my lap - a reasonably good and reliable helper, for one. Most other admin has fallen into place - from my nursery decor and baby shower to 30th birthday party planning for friends and getting our home in good order. Most important of all, my baby quietly turned himself around in the midst of my panic about him being breech, and with May now virtually behind us he will indeed be a June baby, all by himself. I am developing a sense of his nature already. I experience him as a peaceful, easy child who is sensitive to the needs of others. We will see how accurate that is when he arrives but I can't help believing he is a special little boy. I've fallen deeply in love with him, and I am more emotional and ecstatic with every passing day in anticipation of his arrival. HoneyChild

May - trying not to go mad

I seem to be in admin hell at the moment. There’s really no other way to describe it. The pressures of buying a new car, hiring and firing domestic staff (number 7 today), setting up a nursery and sourcing all the baby equipment we need have been substantial - all while trying to work full time, meet my Unisa deadlines and get through the third trimester of my pregnancy. Those demands, coupled with R’s work travels and an unexpected week away from home for me around my gran’s death, have made the whole of April a battle to keep my head above water. I really am trying not to let it all get the better of me, but I am spread very thin at the moment. I’m upset that the baby is still breech, and while I know I need to remain philosophical about it and accept that he’s doing what’s right for him, I am anxious about having a C-section earlier than my original due date. I have requested a deferment of my first semester Unisa exams in light of this, although this is going to add stress to my life later in the year. I am massively behind with some of my client work, and am just praying that they are understanding of the position I’m in – I have drafted an action plan to get through the most important tasks by the end of May and now need to stick with this. In the face of these strains, I know I need to remember to be grateful for all the happiness and abundance in my life as well. The baby appears to be healthy and I have had an easy and comfortable pregnancy, in spite of him being the “wrong” way around now towards the end; I have a good doctor monitoring me and trust his recommendation on how best to deal with the complication; I have a wonderful partner in R who can provide a great deal of support to me if would just ask for it; my personal finances are in good shape to cover my maternity leave, and as a family we are also very well set up for the immediate and long-term future – money is no longer a worry. The hassle and commitment of buying a new car have paid off, and I now have a safe, smart and affordable vehicle which I will feel proud to drive; the sale of my old car to F was relatively painless; I am fortunate to have the option of a vast, affordable workforce of women who can help me with my housekeeping and childcare – I need to wait for the right helper to come along, and to trust my instinct on people in light of starting a family; I do not need to fall into the desperation trap and hire the wrong person; my flexible work week allows me time to get through everything I need to do, and my clients have not been giving me any stress - it's mostly self-imposed. I was able to spend two precious last days with my grandmother before she passed away, and to experience a rite of passage around life and death that I will always be grateful for; the support I gave to my mom during those days will also be returned tenfold when she comes to help me with the baby from June; I am so happy to have both my sister and one of my best friends back in Cape Town just as I need a greater support system around me – the bits and pieces of help I have given them have not been difficult for me, and I will be able to count on both of them for lots of assistance when I need it most in the next few months; there is no need to feel anxious around a baby shower, my 30th birthday plans and the 30th celebrations for F and N – all will get done, and it is not my responsibility to make other people happy. Just need to vasbyt – I can do that. HoneyChild

What a man needs

Last night R said the most beautiful thing to me after we made love: 'That's what a man needs'.

He said it without any thought, his eyes still closed as his orgasm came to an end, and for possibly the first time in our six year relationship, I saw his true sexual self in that quiet moment.

When he opened his eyes and came back to me, he thanked me for looking beautiful because it made sex so pleasurable. But I think it was the statement before that was more honest. He wasn't referring to how I looked or what I'd done in particular - it was more just an expression of a male craving for unspoken, unrequested, unilateral release with a sexually attractive woman - any woman?

He came with me on top but I'd gone down on him first, and in an interesting way I felt like I'd been guided by the little boy growing inside me. Weird, but not impossible, given the increased sense of masculine energy I'm experiencing. I have never been so turned on giving head, and while I can't be certain I don't think R has ever enjoyed receiving oral sex quite that much - at least not from me.

I didn't say anything at all after his comment, but I got quite tearful - always a sign (for me) that truth is resonating.

HoneyChild

Blessings

I am battling again with low energy levels as my pregnancy moves into the third trimester. Also been feeling ache-y - like I have growing pains! - as I get bigger. Now around 5kg up, I am still on the lowest end of the weight gain spectrum for 28 weeks, but I am literally feeling my organs and body structure shifting to make space for my growing child. Have been (totally irrationally) irritated by comments from N and J recently about my increasing size and comparison with N's "much smaller" sister who is a few weeks behind me in her pregnancy. But I've decided to make peace with that, and not let it upset me anymore. They mean well, and haven't been through the sensitive pregnant phase yet themselves.

Having quietly celebrated being in business for a year, I have had a run of incredibly busy weeks with work and I really feel like my whole body is reacting to it by being on a temporary go-slow. I have to honour the need to take things a little easier in these later months of pregnancy, but I am increasingly anxious about under-servicing and not delivering for my clients. In its funny way (as usual!), I feel like the universe is warning me against this by presenting one problem after another around our domestic staff. In the last few weeks R and I have had to fire three different people, be patient through the slog of training newcomers, only to be disappointed when they let us down or don't measure up to the task. It's been frustrating - and expensive!

I feel like I need to up my game again for the next two and a half months and produce amazing results for all my clients across the board before I have the baby. So this mid-month mark is my cue to get cracking! At least my travelling around the Western Cape has come to an end for now, and I can work from my own desk more and more until June when I go on maternity leave. This will allow me to rest as required, and be comfortable at home as I continue to expand in the belly department.

Overall, though, I am happy in my pregnancy, and am just needing to find the discipline and energy to keep on keeping on with my work, as well as my studies (I am writing three exams in May). With my mind so occupied with babies, it's difficult to focus on anything else except making sure my house is perfectly orderly and clean - I'm nesting big time!

Worried about my gran, who is not well again. My mom is there looking after her, and it's bizarre to think that exactly a year ago she had her heart problems, my mom and to visit her and my parents were about to have their big bust up. Thank God that's behind us all. Also worried about R's heart - he had funny palpitations the other day, probably from sheer exhaustion, and I really need to keep an eye on his health and support him while he is working so hard.

So, a few concerns and stress points for me at the moment. I need to remember to give thanks for all that is going so well in my life, and all I have to be happy about. I am financially secure, with a great career that is totally in my control. I have a wonderful husband and a most precious child on the way. My immediate family is in good health and happy. I live in a beautiful, safe, pristine environment in the best city in the world. I have a lovely group of very close friends who support me enormously. And now I need to get back to my work!

HoneyChild

Feeling my power

I noted in my work journal yesterday that I have been feeling powerful on the career front. I am loving my clients, and the kind of work I am doing; I feel that my earning potential just keeps growing, and I have a good year of billings forecast that will easily cover my maternity leave period and start building savings into my business; I feel authoritative, confident in my convictions and recommendations and well worth my fee to my clients - I am starting to show them the value of strategic PR, rather than just being a workhorse. New business leads are flowing in easily, and my existing clients are happy.

Over and above all of that, while my cash flow is dodgy right this minute, my tax situation and general health on the financial side is strong. My accountant is nothing short of delighted with me as my first year as a business owner comes to a close. I have re-implemented our household expense budget as well, and have committed to managing it which I think will add real value to our marriage and home life. So I am on a roll with money and work, and am truly feeling my power at this stage of my career. I'm suddenly over that 'imposter' phase that I had a year or two ago and know now that I really have what it takes to have a highly successful business and brand for myself.

What marks the powerful feeling for me though is also the notion of love - just loving what I do and who I work for, loving my lifestyle and freedom as a business owner, loving my vibe and pushing it out generously to those I love. My good career energy has rubbed off in different ways on F, K, J and M during their respective job searches in recent weeks - it feels like I am tapping into the source somehow.

As part of my regular work journalling process I always choose an online angel card and ask for a word from my guides. Sounds weird but I like to add a more intuitive element to a major part of my life which by nature runs the risk of getting a bit 'earthly' and focused on the daily grind a lot of the time. I couldn't believe the messages I received yesterday during my work journal check-in: "The angel of love is with you now" - and his name? Chamuel, or Samuel... Of course! The word that was given was "Miracles" - reinforcing the idea that my pregnancy is part of the greater picture here that is making my positive work energy flow so easily. Cried with recognition and joy at these messages, and felt so affirmed in my brave choice last year to structure my career around family. I can have it all...

On a side note, it also occurred to me that maybe my current sense of confidence on the business side of things stems partially from the extra male hormones circulating in my system at the moment - and this is such a cool trimester of pregnancy, in which I have felt strong and resilient generally. Something to remember and try to maintain in my life - a balancing and harnessing of the healthy masculine energy in me can only be positive. And powerful.

HoneyChild

UPDATE:

Ten minutes after posting the above, I came across this thought:

"You cannot exercise much power without gratitude because it is gratitude that keeps you connected with power."

I give thanks - thanks for all I am receiving and achieving. I know that I am immensely blessed.

HoneyChild

February check in

Mommy hormones are on the increase! I'm finding I'm so connected to kids in general and particularly to my little one, who I felt kicking for the first time this morning. At 21 weeks, he is right on schedule, as he has been in all other areas of his development. I am so thankful for this. Fainted in Woolworths the other day (due to low blood pressure or low blood sugar or the very hot day?) and that was a wake up call in terms of really remembering to take care of my health and go easy on my body for the next four months of pregnancy. I'm 2-2.5 kilos up in weight (bearing in mind I lost some at the beginning - that increase is relative to my lowest weight) and am growing a nice bump now. Feels good! Wish I could do a little more exercise without feeling wobbly, but ok for now.

Business-wise new prospects are shaping up nicely and I'm doing good work for my clients - I've had some very nice feedback from them recently. Just need to maintain momentum, not get overwhelmed, and make sure I bill well into May, with some new retainers set up to kick off from September after my maternity break.

I'm worried about R's work pressures and health issues at the moment. He's been in a world of pain following a botched root canal and subsequent tooth extraction, and his back story remains the same. While we're both working hard, he's really burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all his clients happy. I know and appreciate that he's doing this for our family's benefit, but need to find a way to support him meaningfully. I'm incredibly horny at the moment (all the boy hormones floating around in my system?!) but sex is back off track unfortunately. I am trying not to put pressure on him. So hard though, and I know he's stressing about it too. Maybe a weekend away for an early Valentine's treat will balance things out a bit...

Financially I'm feeling the pinch a little but am confident I can increase my salary from March and need to be ok with slow cash flow sometimes - always a downside of owning your own business.

Friendships are feeling good across the board. I had time to connect again with F and J during their overlapping visits last month. The possibility of them both relocating home to SA and specifically CT makes me very happy. It will be wonderful to have J nearby as a close friend who's also a mom. It may make my transition into motherhood that much easier from a social point of view, and also because she'll be happy to give me honest, non-judgmental advice. N and other J remain close and I am relieved that N seems to be surfacing from the hellish depths she's experienced emotionally and spiritually since her incident in India in 2010. I am tremendously lucky to have these strong, smart women in my life and I feel that the decision to wait it out in CT until all my friends started drifting back here has been justified!
On the F note, I do need to make sure I don't get too sucked in to the need to fix her - she must live her life and fight her own battles when she gets back from Aus. I am not prepared to spiral down into her story as I have in the past.

I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle - some great spiritual food for thought which I have enjoyed getting my teeth into. Hope this sets the tone for my development and growth on this front for the rest of the year...

HoneyChild

Thoughts for the new year

We returned home last night after two fantastic weeks away for Christmas with my family at the farm, and New Year with friends.

I feel deeply happy and at peace as I enter 2012. If I consider the changes I was going through from a career planning perspective this time last year, I am relieved to have that turmoil behind me, and immensely proud of myself to have taken control of my own destiny on the work front.

I am rested and revived, which was badly needed by early December, if my last entry was anything to go by.

The highlight of my break was probably being around my parents, who are looking more content and relaxed together than I can ever remember. I thank God for their reunion after what was a four month period of hell for them (and their children) last year. For the first time in my adult life, there were no major blow ups between them over Christmas, and the house was largely peaceful, light and happy. I loved being there and will spend more time with them at home this year, I am certain.

With a grandchild on the way, my folks have reconciled just in time and are genuinely looking forward to this new chapter of their life together. I feel truly blessed to be able to raise our child(ren) with access to that loving home and wonderful farming environment, and really pray that my parents continue to hold things together to enable us to spend frequent holidays with them.

I am coping well with my pregnancy, and enjoying my heightened sexuality in particular at the moment. Weight gain has been slow, and I am confident that I can keep it down to a comfortable level throughout the rest of the second trimester and even into the third. The second trimester is also proving to be less draining than the first, and I enjoyed doing some walking on most days of my holiday, soaking up the sun a little and being outdoors in nature and with our dogs. These are really important to my well-being, I was reminded, and I look forward to spending more time on the farm next year from this point of view as well.

On a new year's resolution note, my one recorded intention from last year was to ensure that my life looked healthier, cleaner and more wholesome on film. Glancing back at photos from 2011, I think I have achieved my goal. Being on an alcohol hiatus over silly season has no doubt helped that too...

I was also keen to reconnect with old friends last year - and I feel I have done that to an extent, not least by attending my school reunion in the UK. I have strengthened existing close friendships across the board over the last 12 months too, so I am pleased about that and I would like to continue to maintain and deepen those important relationships this year. Making time for friends when a baby comes along will certainly be a challenge, but I know it is a critical aspect of my life balance.

For 2012, I resolve the following:

1. I will ensure that my pregnancy is a healthy one, for baby first and foremost, and also for me. This means eating well and consciously, taking the right supplements, exercising gently and enough, putting on the minimum required in terms of acceptable weight gain without being obsessive, while keeping stress levels low and awareness levels high. I will also keep my alcohol consumption down after giving birth - this has been key to how clear headed and healthy I feel at the moment.

2. With my 30th birthday in June, I resolve to get back into shape quickly to ensure that I feel great in my body during this milestone year. My goal will be to take four months to get back to my ideal and maintainable weight and fitness levels (60kg, running 5km with ease) - so that by the time I am a bridesmaid on 6 October, and with the summer approaching, I will be looking and feeling as close to my best again as possible. Achieving this will be linked inextricably to the points I make in resolution 1 - these will prepare me for an easier recovery after birth.

3. As my business is now ticking along nicely, the aim for 2012 will be to maintain and steadily grow, while allowing enough time and a financial cushion to enjoy my later pregnacy and newborn baby. I will refine my client base and up my billings this year. I will also continue my industry education through webinars, courses and networking functions.

Phew - a marathon entry. But 2012 is shaping up brilliantly on all fronts - health, prosperity, career, marriage, friendships, family and opportunities. I give immense thanks for all of this!

HoneyChild