February check in

Mommy hormones are on the increase! I'm finding I'm so connected to kids in general and particularly to my little one, who I felt kicking for the first time this morning. At 21 weeks, he is right on schedule, as he has been in all other areas of his development. I am so thankful for this. Fainted in Woolworths the other day (due to low blood pressure or low blood sugar or the very hot day?) and that was a wake up call in terms of really remembering to take care of my health and go easy on my body for the next four months of pregnancy. I'm 2-2.5 kilos up in weight (bearing in mind I lost some at the beginning - that increase is relative to my lowest weight) and am growing a nice bump now. Feels good! Wish I could do a little more exercise without feeling wobbly, but ok for now.

Business-wise new prospects are shaping up nicely and I'm doing good work for my clients - I've had some very nice feedback from them recently. Just need to maintain momentum, not get overwhelmed, and make sure I bill well into May, with some new retainers set up to kick off from September after my maternity break.

I'm worried about R's work pressures and health issues at the moment. He's been in a world of pain following a botched root canal and subsequent tooth extraction, and his back story remains the same. While we're both working hard, he's really burning the candle at both ends trying to keep all his clients happy. I know and appreciate that he's doing this for our family's benefit, but need to find a way to support him meaningfully. I'm incredibly horny at the moment (all the boy hormones floating around in my system?!) but sex is back off track unfortunately. I am trying not to put pressure on him. So hard though, and I know he's stressing about it too. Maybe a weekend away for an early Valentine's treat will balance things out a bit...

Financially I'm feeling the pinch a little but am confident I can increase my salary from March and need to be ok with slow cash flow sometimes - always a downside of owning your own business.

Friendships are feeling good across the board. I had time to connect again with F and J during their overlapping visits last month. The possibility of them both relocating home to SA and specifically CT makes me very happy. It will be wonderful to have J nearby as a close friend who's also a mom. It may make my transition into motherhood that much easier from a social point of view, and also because she'll be happy to give me honest, non-judgmental advice. N and other J remain close and I am relieved that N seems to be surfacing from the hellish depths she's experienced emotionally and spiritually since her incident in India in 2010. I am tremendously lucky to have these strong, smart women in my life and I feel that the decision to wait it out in CT until all my friends started drifting back here has been justified!
On the F note, I do need to make sure I don't get too sucked in to the need to fix her - she must live her life and fight her own battles when she gets back from Aus. I am not prepared to spiral down into her story as I have in the past.

I've been reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle - some great spiritual food for thought which I have enjoyed getting my teeth into. Hope this sets the tone for my development and growth on this front for the rest of the year...

HoneyChild

Being a better wife

It’s been nearly a year since I got married and recently I’ve been feeling different about my role as a married woman. For one, I am increasingly thinking about how to be a better daughter/sister-in-law to R’s family. I know I haven’t necessarily been great at this – especially with them so far away – and I know I need to make an effort to keep in more regular contact with them. Having not given much time to this in the past, I think I’ve made improvements recently, and our trip away together was a great success, bringing us closer. I hope to keep up the good relationship I’ve built with them.

And I suppose I’m also striving to be a better wife. I certainly wasn’t a perfect one to start with, and we had a rocky few months earlier this year which were mostly due to the lack of responsibility I was taking for myself. Maybe I’m growing up, because I suddenly feel quite removed from and disappointed by the ‘old’ me. I feel that I’m improving in this area, and being much more accountable to my husband.

Nevertheless, we did have a bad argument while we were on holiday about another woman. Too many glasses of wine, and my jealously reared its head with nasty results. How much leeway do we give one another around other men and women? Surely it’s natural to have attractions and flirtations with other people during the course of one’s marriage? But surely it’s also ok to put my foot down when I feel it’s gone too far on his part? And then to manage my own actions around this as well?

I need to learn to express myself less emotionally, that’s for sure. But I also grew up in a family where that wasn’t the case. I was told as a young girl not to tolerate any philandering by my husband – and I know there were plenty of underlying reasons for this advice on my mom’s part – but where is the line?

Pondering all of this.

HoneyChild

The importance of things

I have definitely always placed far more importance on people than things. My relationships mean more to me than my possessions, as a rule. I’m sure that’s true for many people, but I feel strongly that I would sacrifice material things (don't need no weekly shopping sprees) for a loving partner, close friends and a harmonious family and work life. Until yesterday, when I lost my wedding rings.

I realised fully for the first time that the emotional value I place in my relationship is represented by my engagement and wedding bands. I cried with relief when I found them, but the message has hit home hard. Now I know for sure that I am tied to my husband, with every heart string. The fear that I had lost even the symbol of our marriage (so easily replaceable, in reality) was almost too much to bear. It’s reminded me really to treasure our relationship too. That’s the real thing.

HoneyChild

Baby steps

My husband has babies on his mind. Our conversation is increasingly infiltrated by references to our future kids. His favourite question at the moment is, 'when did you say we could start?'. And as exciting as that is, it's also bloody scary.

I want children, of course. I want them very much, and I find I'm being drawn to young kids and babies in my daily life. But I'm ten years younger than R and I'm definitely not ready for offspring yet. I'm nervous at the thought of my body changing radically, my lifestyle turning on its head, my career being put on hold, my priorities shifting dramatically. It's a big step that I know I need to be more comfortable with than I feel now. I've accepted that we'll have to compromise a little around timing - he can't wait for another 3-5 years, which would be ideal for me.

R is understanding of and sensitive to my concerns around this. He's not putting unbearable pressure on me, but I am aware of the subtle and constant yearning in him. I've been told that one is never totally ready to have kids - they usually arrive a little bit too soon! And the irony is that often when older couples are 200% ready and desperate for children, they struggle to have them. I know I'm lucky to have a financially secure husband who is amped for offspring, and that I have the opportunity to be a young, and perhaps more resilient and energetic mother than I might be in five years' time.

But how do I get over the nerves?

HoneyChild

Taking stock

I really messed up on Saturday and I feel awful about it. I went to a wedding and got very under the weather. One shooter turned into several and the next thing I knew it was all overs. R had to take me home early and miss out on the whole party - it was his friend getting married, and he was still cross about it last night. This has happened way too often in recent months and I was reminded again that I have to take it easy on the booze. I actually have to lay off it entirely for a while. I'm just not reacting well to it, and it's having a seriously negative effect on my relationship. It's not that I'm addicted to it, I just love having a good time but my body isn't handling alcohol like it did when I was younger. It's not ok to get so out of control anymore. I'm married.

So here we go. Cold turkey til my birthday next month ladies and gents. This should be interesting.

HoneyChild

Saying goodbye

I've said goodbye to my two best friends in the last 24 hours. One is embarking on a two month journey of self-discovery, the other is leaving for longer to work abroad. I'm happy and full of positive anticipation for both of them. Although I'll miss them, I'm not sad to say goodbye. I feel so much at peace about seeing them off on their own private adventures, which I know I'll never fully understand. I know that, because you can't explain those adventures to anyone unless they're travelling with you. Years of living overseas taught me that. I'll be fiercely interested to hear their respective stories, and we'll pick up where we left off as far as our friendship is concerned. But I don't expect to feel and know what they've experienced in my marrow. I know the same is true about my sister's life overseas.

Their uncertainty and unsettled situations make me feel so stable and sure of myself in comparison. Although I'm still waiting to make a decision around my next career move, I'm married, in a lovely home, with great job prospects and children somewhere on the not-too-distant horizon. And I don't rely on their friendship to support me - at least, not anymore. I have my own new unit and new life with R. For the first time, it feels really great and really right to be married. I'm grateful for that.

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