First trimester concerns

I've been busy over the last week, including the weekend, trying to juggle a lot of client work, learning for Wednesday's exam, planning R's birthday party this weekend and preparing for the arrival of both of our families. We've also had quite a lot of social engagements thrown in, and with three of my close friends needing extra attention for various reasons at the moment, there's plenty on the go.

Ordinarily I think I would be taking most of that in my stride, but I've been feeling so pap and lethargic during the first trimester that I am battling a bit. I've put off my second exam (which I was supposed to write on Friday in the middle of the family's arrival) until January, which has helped to make it all seem a bit more manageable. But I'm fighting hard not to feel overwhelmed.

I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and find some time for exercise as well, because as hard as it is to motivate myself it really does make me look at things differently when I get some fresh air and the heart pumping as often as possible.

Honestly I am also feeling a bit down about my body starting to change shape. I have not gained weight yet but my tummy is definitely rounder and my waist thicker now that i'm into week ten. While the untrained eye wouldn't notice, I can feel the difference and I am not feeling very sexy. Maybe it will change when I actually have a proper bump, rather than just looking bloated?! I know I should be embracing this as a beautiful and natural part of pregnancy. But it's hard, and it's also not something I can share with anyone else without sounding terribly superficial and vain, with all my priorities out of whack. I have set myself healthy but low weight gain targets throughout the nine months, which I really hope I can stick to. It's tempting to get very competitive with other 'hot' moms, and I need to watch that.

It just occurred to me that maybe a little depression is part of the hormonal shift of pregnancy. Will look into that. I hope that the second trimester, with the return of energy I am expecting and wishing for, also brings some more positive feelings for me.

HoneyChild

Week 6

Apart from the Springboks' exit from the 2011 Rugby World Cup half an hour ago (bleak), the last week has been nothing but happy. R was beyond ecstatic when he found out on Tuesday - I left the test wrapped in a bow on his side of the bed with a rose and a baby book.

Baby vibes are good - feeling fine as I enter my sixth week, and although I know I may start getting morning sickness at this stage, I have a feeling it will be ok. No signs of nausea yet. Feeling occasional cramps and a little fatigue and teariness here and there but all totally manageable. My breasts are a bit sensitive and slightly larger too. I do have immense faith in my body. My newly 'natural' cycle was so regular within 3 months of coming off the pill, that a pregnancy test was viable as soon as I was one day later than expected. So clever! I did however take another test on Friday just to make sure - still positive :-) I know conception was on 17 September around ovulation, which I'd tracked. I felt the fertilisation as it happened (didn't know that could happen), and we both knew it but didn't want to be over hopeful, given the disappointment of last month. But there was no denying that something was very different that day, and I was visibly overwhelmed with emotions.

We were given our first babygrow by F as she left us to return to Sydney yesterday, and it is sooo cute! It was fun to have her with us - I really miss her and hope she comes back to SA soon. It was incredibly special to share the baby news and excitement with someone who cares so much, and in return it was nice to help her through her heartache and gently support her as she gets back on her feet. Friendship and caring are easy for me and I'm glad to have those qualities. But it also feels good to have that energy returned by all my close friends, who are so happy to hear of my pregnancy. This news has made me realise what a good base of girl friends I actually do have - both old and new - F, N, J, J, M and my former colleagues, who we had a lovely dinner with last night. I have a strong support system, over and above my family and in-laws, and I'm grateful for that. R is also being sweet and concerned. He will be a wonderful dad...and sex seems to be back on track with him on a health kick, so that's fun :-)

Beautiful weather signals the start of summer and I'm feeling sunny. Quite slim and trim at around 61kg and enjoying not drinking as of this week, surprisingly. I think it will suit me better than I thought. Sis has sent me her dietician's chart of how much weight I should gain over the full term - only about 1.5 kg during first trimester, then just under half a kilo for every week thereafter for a total of 11kg. I think that's fine for me - I am tall enough to carry the extra and should lose quite a substantial percentage of that straight after birth. So if I end up at say, 66-67kg that's not too scary. I've been there before and know how to get back to comfortable happy weight without stressing about it.

Dreaming of having a little soul waking me up every morning to love.

HoneyChild

Oh Baby

It seems I'm pregnant!!! I took a test a little earlier and the result was resoundingly positive. Felt quite teary, then happy, then a bit scared, then called my mom and told her and she is over the moon. Thinking of the best way to tell R when he gets home later - he is going to be ecstatic!

I am pleased with the timing. Really, really pleased. I am in a great situation work-wise, am healthy and ready. I got terribly broody standing in the queue at Woolworths this morning, watching all the moms with their sweet kids. So here's hoping all carries on smoothly. Feeling a bit different, with a slightly crampy tummy, but overall fine - and excited!

HoneyChild

End of September

With September drawing to a close I can look back at the month with some satisfaction. I've definitely had wobbles and worries about work prospects, with not a lot of client action this month. But it's the first time in seven months since starting my company that I've had that concern, and this week I've uncovered opportunities with three or four new clients from October. So feeling in better spirits about that.

I'm going to try not to make this a blog about work though - I have a separate journal for that. But when you work for yourself, it's particularly hard to compartmentalise success in that area as a distinct entity from your general state of being. That reminds me of a channelling I had a few months ago. The message was to try to integrate all aspects of myself, not to categorise and box too much. Because when you are fully 'integrated', you can experience your deepest joy and satisfaction, apparently! Will give that a bash in October :-)

Am really looking forward to having F visiting me from Australia over the weekend. She has been one of my best and closest friends for 10 years, and although we've had our ups and downs, she has been an important part of my adult life - and I hers. I've missed her over the last couple of years, and immmensely so with her living across the globe over the past 18 months. She has been through much heartache in recent weeks and I hope I can help her heal in the way that girlfriends, wine and a few laughs are so able to do, somehow.

All quiet on the baby front. Trying not to feel anxious about that. I'll know this weekend whether the pregnancy efforts for the last month have been successful - but somehow I think and feel... not. Calling in my child still, and staying positive and relaxed about things in that department as far as possible. (Again - the mention of a 'department' - must watch that, and integrate a little more perhaps...)

HoneyChild

Ok I'm back

I took a break from keeping an online journal and I really missed it! Since I last wrote I've started my own business, which has been challenging and awesome. I love being my own boss. I love being in control of my time. I love how I've managed to leverage and really increase my earning power.

But I do get a little lonely! I miss having colleagues to talk to, and I miss having someone to share the perennial business owner's fear of not knowing where the next paycheck will come from. I miss being part of something bigger. Shit, I missed going to the Loeries this last weekend :-)

Overall, it's definitely been a fantastic move for me. I'm doing daily editorial writing in addition to my PR work, and that is something I really enjoy and have realised I should do more. A good learning.

I am also far more relaxed - like deeply, in my bones and muscles, relaxed. The stress of agency life takes a very physical toll over time, and it's never been more clear to me. When I look in the mirror and I don't see lines on my face, shadows under my eyes, or feel tension in my chest and knots in my stomach every morning, I know it's because of my significant lifestyle change. And they say starting a business is stressful! It's actually been easier, I've found.

I feel ready for a child. Having gone off the pill at the end of May, my body is totally, totally ready. So calling that baby in! I'm much more sexually awake as well. I always thought I was pretty normal in that department, but my sexuality is very charged right now. Not sure how well that's playing out with R. A little concerned that our historically mis-matched sex drives are starting to more out of sync than ever. But I'm trying not to dwell on that.

Feels good to be writing about this stuff again. Helpful.

HoneyChild

Planning for new beginnings - business and baby

I’ve handed in my resignation so my work on building my own client base officially starts today. I’ve got some great leads, but am so busy with my current work load that I’m going to have to be really disciplined about carving out time to get my own business planning done. Anyway, it’s all good. Feeling competent, productive and valuable – maybe because I’m taking charge of my own work. And while I’m still working hard on my current clients, I am feeling more detached emotionally from the day-to-day strains of client service. I hope that lasts.

Another priority for me at the moment is getting my physical health geared to having a baby sometime soon. Maybe it starts with eating more fruit and veg – as simple as that – and building from there. I am feeling comfortable in my body, and am maintaining my weight without much exercise or putting any effort into what I’m consuming. So I’m really quite relaxed at the moment, but need to ensure that I am at peak nutritional health over the next few months.


HoneyChild