First trimester concerns

I've been busy over the last week, including the weekend, trying to juggle a lot of client work, learning for Wednesday's exam, planning R's birthday party this weekend and preparing for the arrival of both of our families. We've also had quite a lot of social engagements thrown in, and with three of my close friends needing extra attention for various reasons at the moment, there's plenty on the go.

Ordinarily I think I would be taking most of that in my stride, but I've been feeling so pap and lethargic during the first trimester that I am battling a bit. I've put off my second exam (which I was supposed to write on Friday in the middle of the family's arrival) until January, which has helped to make it all seem a bit more manageable. But I'm fighting hard not to feel overwhelmed.

I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and find some time for exercise as well, because as hard as it is to motivate myself it really does make me look at things differently when I get some fresh air and the heart pumping as often as possible.

Honestly I am also feeling a bit down about my body starting to change shape. I have not gained weight yet but my tummy is definitely rounder and my waist thicker now that i'm into week ten. While the untrained eye wouldn't notice, I can feel the difference and I am not feeling very sexy. Maybe it will change when I actually have a proper bump, rather than just looking bloated?! I know I should be embracing this as a beautiful and natural part of pregnancy. But it's hard, and it's also not something I can share with anyone else without sounding terribly superficial and vain, with all my priorities out of whack. I have set myself healthy but low weight gain targets throughout the nine months, which I really hope I can stick to. It's tempting to get very competitive with other 'hot' moms, and I need to watch that.

It just occurred to me that maybe a little depression is part of the hormonal shift of pregnancy. Will look into that. I hope that the second trimester, with the return of energy I am expecting and wishing for, also brings some more positive feelings for me.

HoneyChild

Mortality

I’m really feeling the presence and weight of death around me. Not in a creepy way – it’s just a much greater awareness than I’ve had before of death, and maybe my own mortality. There was a death earlier this month in R’s family, then a tragic accident which killed a close friend of a colleague last week, and a beloved aunt of my own is on the brink of passing away. It’s making me consider how fragile life really is for the first time, and how lucky I am to have my health. I’m also incredibly fortunate that all of the people I love the most are alive and well.

The thought of losing my parents, my husband, my sister right now, is beyond what I can imagine. I read a report on the murder of Inge Lotz in Marie Claire yesterday, and what struck me most was the agony of the family who lost their precious daughter. It’s not something you would wish on anyone, but it’s happening – there are 50 murders taking place daily in South Africa, according to MC.
I send my thoughts to everyone who has lost a loved one.

HoneyChild

Small shifts in growing up

I've always believed that the first time my husband and I host Christmas at our home for our respective parents, we'll really be grown up. I was raised in a household where my mom has regularly cooked the Christmas dinner for the family that often descends upon us at the end of the year. Christmas at home has been almost entirely her responsibility for the 30 years she's been married to my father. And that's pretty grown up.

Having spent the last few days with R's parents who are visiting us from the States, I have been thinking about getting older. More specifically, I've been considering the subtle series of changes that occur which move a child into the adult role while the parents move back into the role of the children. I love both sets of parents to death. But I have noticed that, particularly around R's folks, we are starting to take the role of mom and dad. It's quite amazing how that happens. We direct the conversation, the activities, and the general admin part of things, including the cooking and cleaning. One of these days, my mom and dad will take a back seat around hosting Christmas. And I guess that means that R and I will naturally step up. Guess I'm not a kid anymore.

HoneyChild

Thanks for the music

I can't believe how long it's been since I played a musical instrument. It astounds me that a habit that was so much a part of my life has simply slipped right off my radar. As a teenager, I loved singing and spent hours by myself playing the guitar and the piano. Not to mention the fact that it's been over a year since I bought a CD. I used to spend all my pocket money on new music. I had a collection to be proud of. Now I only possess...old music

Music moves me profoundly. I inherited a great deal of emotional sensitivity to it from my father, who often cries when he hears a beautiful song. (Music and particularly well crafted lyrics are definitely the only things which, in combination, can make dear old Dad drizz.) I have been freshly reminded of this quite amusing predispostion which we share in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday evening I felt the urge to pick up a guitar for the first time in ages. Earlier today while driving, a hit song from five years ago unexpectedly came on the radio, and it suited my rather melancholy mood perfectly. And this afternoon a new band was recommended to me by a surprising source - I listened to one of their songs and it instantly resonated with me.

This little series of events as a signal has made me realise I need to embrace my love of music again and re-integrate it into my life and my identity. Looking forward to it.

HoneyChild

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